I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.
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Im making a fortune promoting home security systems.All I do is say “Hello”.At 3 in the morning sitting at the end of their bed.
[Calling concert venues across the country]
Hi yes, I’m just calling to let you know that on your website you spelled “weekend” incorrectly
*at Starbucks*
7yo: can I order for you?
Me: sure!
7yo: my mom wants the drink with the salt on the rim. She has it allll the time!
I’m Sold!
NYC parks department on naked Trump statue: “NYC Parks stands firmly against any unpermitted erection in city parks, no matter how small.”
It didn’t intend to write my 7-year-old’s school paper for him but I thought it was best for both of us I take over when he asked me how to spell serial killer.
omg the traffic lights are red and green for Christmas 🥺
Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
ME: I’m impressed you got court side seats
MY LAWYER: I hope they find you guilty
30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.
Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?
SEA LION 1: “More like shark *weak* amirite?”
SEA LION 2: “Hahaha”
SHARK: “Hey guys, what ya watching?”
[Sea lions jump onto ceiling fan]
Hour 43 no smoking:
-No one is dead.
-Colors are more vivid.
-Country music makes sense.
-I’d suck a fart if it contained nicotine.
Me: No more treats, pal. You’ve already had three.
Dog: Dude, you think I have any idea what “three” means? I’m not even sure how many legs I have.
The first one, obviously
Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.
Commercial for Twitter:
“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me-
Me: [takes all of my laundry out of the dryer without dropping any of it on the floor]
Shania Twain: oh shit wow
GOD- “I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth”
*Fish slip the LORD a $20*
“On second thought how about a flood?”
Me: *falls down entire staircase*
(20 full seconds of silence)
Dad: …careful.
what
Alien 1: we’re abducting you
Alien 2: taking you to our home planet
Me: oh no, captured on a planet full of aliens
Alien 1: actually since it’s our planet, you’re the alien
Me: good point. that means I’m the one who does the probing
Alien 1: wait, no-
Alien 2: she’s right Blork
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself” shut up. That’s not true at all. Have you ever seen a really big wasp.
me: man technology is scary af
black mirror: here are some more scary technological things you haven’t even thought of yet
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
Friend: So, do you workout?
Me: OMG, have you SEEN my abs?!?
Friend: No
Me: Yeah, neither have I.
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.
eats a dozen doughnuts…
*checks for flabs*
How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?