Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
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The people who thought I could never pull off wearing a beret owe me an apology.
I wouldn’t say I hate you but I would push you onto a cactus couch.
The phrase “beach body” brings to mind an image of a bloated corpse tossed ashore by the waves, so, yeah, I’m beach body ready.
[blood bank]
Doc inserts needle
[turns around]
YOU AGAIN!
[vampire sucking on tube like straw]
GO ON SCOOT
[chases him from room with broom]
I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
Nothing makes me feel more “white collar” than when I’m nodding my head at someone pointing to a line graph that I know nothing about.
ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band
Dear people filming disasters : You need to zoom out before running for your lives.
Nobody likes blurry footage, you selfish animals.
“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
HIM: I love reading big novels.
ME: No kidding, so do I!
*I whip out one of those oversized picture books they use in kindergarten*
Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious
When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?
Walking by the lingerie section
Youngest: Why do they make the underwear so fancy? No one is ever going to see it anyway.
Me: Uh huh.
Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently
Wedding DJ took it down a notch and was like, “Y’all, throw your hand up if you found that special someone. Now put your hand up if you found an ancient tomb. Keep your hand up if it feels like the ancient tomb found you.”
I know things ordinary people don’t know because ordinary people don’t talk to squirrels.
If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?
Me: hi, I’d like to schedule an exorcism for my husband
Priest: what makes you think he’s possessed?
Me: he forgets to eat on a regular basis
Priest: that’s not really-
Me: also he doesn’t “care for for cheese”
Priest: *grabs largest crucifix* Let’s do this
I needed some gas for my mower so I snuck over to my neighbor’s shed, on the gas can there was a note that said it’s empty go get your own gas Marc. So I took his mower instead.
My neighbors haven’t tried to interact with me since I swerved my car at them.
This feels like a win.
[whispering] don’t tell mom or dad but I killed a hiker and stashed the corpse in a hollow log. we can snack on it later
I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit
When writing science fiction, always Google your made-up planet name; 9 times out of 10, it’s an existing yeast infection medication.
I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice. Didn’t really work tho, only got 20% off.
me: omg did you just steal that from the kitchenware department? you could’ve got caught!
him: what can I say, I’m a whisk taker
Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.
I’m not gonna wear uggs or crocs or any other shoe that sounds like a noise my body makes involuntarily.
Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.
If I ran a yoga class, I’d make up new names for all the poses.
Alright, we’ll start with The Wandering Kneecap, then move onto Downward-Facing Drunk, and then The Greasy Weasel.