Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..
Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..
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Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?
they need shows for grownups like they have for kids that teach us lessons like how to share and how to deal with our feelings and maybe throw in some math too
Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.
[first time skydiving]
Me: LET’S GOOOOO- *jumps out*
Instructor (staring at me laying on the concrete): Plane hasn’t taken off yet
I’ve been asked to stop using “finger-licking good” as an adjective at work.
Must be a covid thing.
My eyes are up here, buddy. Stop looking at my spaghetti sauce stain.
Please follow the instructions
1) Read all instructions
2) Sacrifice a goat
3) Cut off your fingers
4) Eat glass5) Only do number one
I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.
feeling dizzy
highly recommended, many stars
1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.
Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first
I don’t trust a restaurant that advertises “Now with more bacon!” because it means they were holding out on me to begin with.
wife: Can we get a kids menu?
waitress *brings one*
wife
me
wife
me [already doing the maze]
wife: Can we get 2 kids menus?
well maybe grass should touch me for once, how about that
Me: Why don’t we have a nice, romantic bubble bath?
Him: Sounds amazing*flash forward*
Him: I thought we’d be taking the bubble bath together
Me: (from the other tub) My tub is too small for two, you know that. And say “over” when you’re done talking on the walkie, babe
Who needs Botox when some discreetly placed scotch tape and social distancing are a thing.
Police officer: Have you had anything to drink?
Me:No
PO:Ok, blow into here
Me:But there are no candles
PO:Ma’am please get out of the car
idk about you but I still remember what I was doing when I found out Kennedy had been shot: sitting at home, reading the JFK Wikipedia page
The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.
*4yo son, crying*
I’m sorry! How was I supposed to know I wasn’t supposed to cook the macaroni necklace?
*sigh*
Parenting is hard.
6yo: *sprays perfume on brother’s head*
4yo: it’s ok, I like it
me:
4yo: except for the smell
Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.
I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You’re good to go.
When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!
[jumps in Uber]
ME: HURRY I’M LATE
UBER: [starts driving]
ME: PULL OVER HERE
[jumps out, pets dog]
ME: [jumps back in] GO GO GO
I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”
Stephen Hawking says artificial intelligence could destroy the human race. Sorry Stephen, but my money’s on LACK of intelligence.
#FF @funTweeters because they pick bloody good tweets to RT!