me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this
You Might Also Like
Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.
. No Shoes
No Shirt
No Problem
Welcome To Walmart.
I’m really hungry, so I’m going to eat an apple and promote myself to starving.
me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business
[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?
OBAMA: How did you get this number?
Always be kind to people, you never know who may own a boat.
Haunted Houses this year are just gonna have the news on.
Not my fault if the kids give up too soon
(At a restaurant) 11: What if I ordered a Jack Daniel’s at the bar?
Me: You’d finally go to bed on time.
I’m at the Olympics, getting drunk. It’s great fun, but the American girls here sure don’t look like they do on twitter..
My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus
Fact: The human body is 59% water
Fact: Feta cheese is 59% water
Conclusion: The human body is feta cheese
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.
Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?
Why spend thousands on college when you can just walk into a dense fog and re-emerge years later with glowing eyes and an unfathomable growth in human intelligence?
It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid
Therapist: So why are you guys here?
Me: I feel like we are having communication problems.
Him: This is our first date?
The average parent burns 870 calories a year by shaking powdered cheese packets before opening them.
My therapist: try working on your active listening skills
Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles
When you try jalapeños for the first time
If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.
He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.
You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?
DATE: What’s your favourite movie?
ME: Kill Bill
DATE: Oh. I prefer things more sophisticated
ME [long pause] Killiam William
Me: How many would be the equivalent?
Salesman: Sir, I don’t think-
Me: Look, I don’t own a horse.
I have no idea how strong a horse is. Horsepower means nothing to me. What’s the pissed off cat power in this baby?
*sees dead squirrel on the road*
Oh, poor squirrel.
*realizes it’s just a sock*
*whispers*
poor sock
This cat looks like Wilford Brimley
5: Wait, chicken we eat is from DEAD CHICKENS?
Me: Well, yes.
5: So Chicken McNuggets used to be part of REAL CHICKENS?
Me: Well, no.
Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?
Everybody.
My signature move is illegal in 37 states.