[Standards Bar]
Politician: Make it a double.
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Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”
a house without a chimney should be called a nouse
My type is 12 pt Helvetica.
If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.
cake decorator: do you want an exclamation point after “happy birthday”?
me: no, my son wanted more of a somber motif for his sixth birthday
A girl with kaleidoscope eyes sounds horrifying.
something america actually gets right is our commitment to air conditioning and ice cubes in drinks. like yeah healthcare would be nice but my god, room temperature water is an abomination
Toddlers and Tiaras: Fat, sexually frustrated soccer moms invest their husband’s money in ruining their daughter’s lives.
My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible
[pushing my son in his stroller]
Stranger: awww aren’t you adorable! how old are you?
Me: 35
Stranger: I was talking to him
Me: He doesn’t know how old I am.
At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
MY GIRLFRIEND: Did you see that?? Those fireworks made that skywriter hit that hot-air balloon!
ME: Oh my God! What kind of lunatic is responsible for this?? Oh hey, incidentally, will you marry me?
I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.
Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.
“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.
*first date*
Me: They keep saying we’re destroying the ocean, but you know what the ocean is? Just one big toilet. Two parts water, eight parts feces. All that marine life taking ten craps a day then swimming in each other’s shit for a lifetime.
Waiter: Madam, your sea bass.
My neighbor threw away a stair lift. Unrelated, I can now go from my couch to the bathroom without walking.
Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.
‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’
– Christian Rock
Me: (Laughing at something funny on my phone)
Husband: What’s so funny, can I see?
Me: Of course. One sec
(Resets phone to factory settings)
Me: Here you go
All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.
It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.
I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.
The Terminator would have been better if they’d cast Jim Parsons. “Bazinga” is so much better than “I’ll be back.”
Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.
Me: And her parents are OK with this?
*fooling around with husband*
Husband: Is that a piece of cheese in your bra?
Me: If you wanted any, you should have brought your own snacks!
Mission President: Why hasn’t this Brother been baptized yet?
Me: Well, we have a problem.
Mission President: There are no problems Elder, only opportunities.
Me: OK, well he has a huge drug opportunity.
PRIEST: Is there any reason these two shouldn’t be wed?
ME: *from the back* SHE HOLDS ONTO CHECKS FOR MONTHS & THEN CASHES THEM UNEXPECTEDLY
me at 15: i can’t wait to go to college and PARTY!!
me at 20: ok so listen. there’s a new grocery store and GET THIS. i got a mango for 56 cents
When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”