Hey guys! Remember the golden rules this festive season, when shopping in crowded places;
1/Walk slow
2/Stop for no reason
3/Repeat above
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Him: What? You said I could tie you up and do anything I want.
Me: WELL WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?
Him: Fishing
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
[standoff]
NEGOTIATOR: hey chief the gunman says he has all the poetry you wrote in high school
POLICE CHIEF: tell the snipers to stand down
Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?
People should throw rice at baptisms and not weddings that little baby is all wet and needs help drying.
me: I’m not feeling well
doctor: take your glove off
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.
Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.
[texting my friend]
me: sorry I missed your party yesterday
friend: it’s today actually
me: read this again tomorrow then
Even Forrest Gump got laid.
This is bullshit.
I love halloween time 🎃👻🐱:
– candy 🍬🍭🍫
– parties🍕🎉🍻
– costumes👯👺👽
– sacrifices to the dark lord 👉🐓👹
– scary movies🎬📽️💀😲
A pronoun referring to a specific thing previously mentioned, known, or understood.
That.
Noam Chomsky is a crazy name like you sound hungry as f***
“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”
A mom at my son’s baseball game was drinking beer in the stands and what kind of message is she sending to all these young impressionable kids by openly enjoying an adult beverage and not sharing with all the adults sitting by her
Me: Twitter isn’t as enjoyable anymore. So frustrating
Therapist: Why don’t you stop using it
Me: Then I’d have to come here every day and tell you my tweets
Therapist: absolutely not
Die Hard (1988):A cop stops terrorists in a building
Therapist:Sounds cool but lets discuss how ur parents named u the title/year of a movie
It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.
My husband would need to live to be 200 to finish all the things he said he “was GOING to do”
Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
Keep in mind that “The Cat in the Hat” is a lesson to your kids on how to throw a house party when you’re gone…
Loan officer: What’s your social?
Me: Mostly Twitter, sometimes Facebook when I want to see what my friends and family are fighting about.
Bully: [crying, arms shaking in exhaustion, knocks kid down a 32nd time]
10 y/o Chumbawamba: [gets up again]
[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy
HER: *making sexy eyes* did you just get back from the gym
ME: *sweating and out of breath from carrying groceries up the stairs* yes
They say you are what you eat.
*opens a big bag of nuts
“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”