Rejected Olympic Events:
Javelin Catch
Jello Shotput
Border Fencing
Cardboard Boxing
Menstrual Cycling
Salad Tossing
Wrestling Demons
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Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?
Can anyone recommend some good beginner crimes to try out if I’m just getting interested in crime
[Interview]
CEO: Why do you think you’d be a good fit at our firm?
GUY WHOSE DESCRIPTION IS SO LONG HE DOESN’T ACTUALLY GET TO SAY ANYTHING:
If any Disney execs are reading this, call me. I’ve got an idea for another Star Wars spin off. It’s called Paul Darth, Maul Cop.
Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.
ME: *sits*
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.
I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags
Today’s Tarot Card: Someone keeps reanimating you against your will.
I don’t always make up big words but when I do I make them completely uninformystical.
Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.– me receiving an invitation of any kind
To the Audi hogging the road:
Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!
Me: “I’d like to pay by card.”
Waiter: “Contactless?”
Me: “No, you can cuddle me.”
So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times
Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”
Not having money is a great way to not lose any money.
You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.
Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts
When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them
A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.
Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!
Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.
I’m hearing terrible scratching noises coming from inside my walls and it better be demons because I can’t afford it to be squirrels right now
I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.
I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.
My dad, leaning on the fence at the edge of the diamond: GO TO FIRST BASE. GET TO FIRST BASE
Me, enjoying a picnic with my date: dad please
To avoid further heartbreaks from loving someone who doesn’t love me back I have decided to focus on things I have a better shot with…like my love of chicken wings.
Chicken wings: Um, I have a boyfriend
When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.
I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!
I never understood why they were called chicken tenders until I let one caress my face.
nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper
I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.