The reason Twitter shows “Twitter for iPhone” or “Twitter for Android” is because Jesus will use it later to decide who goes to heaven. Android users obviously.
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[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet
I liked having a roommate because I could always tell myself she was sneaking my peanut butter & that’s why I went through it so fast. Then, I learned she has a peanut allergy. I’m moving out.
me doing my taxes: will i go to jail if i write off this pen?
some rich guy doing his taxes: deduct “the sea”
The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.
The internet is undefeated.. 😂
interviewer: your resume says you like being read to
me: and then what happened
Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.
Jake from State Farm lives with us now, our house is full of khaki pants, he is making khaki pants for dinner.
A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.
You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??
“let the meat rest for 5 minutes after cooking” wtf it doesn’t need a rest just been sitting there in the oven for an hour
Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.
[Theater]
GF: I got M&M’s.
Me: I can’t eat those here.
GF: Why?
M: *exasperated sigh* Because it’s too dark to separate them by color.
Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.
When you get your nails done to show up all the haters it’s a mani petty
*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it
Inside Out 2:
The girl enters puberty.
Her emotions get out of control.
She goes Goth.
Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep
I’ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.
Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence
i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum
Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read
Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…
*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.
I read today that there are people who don’t have an inner voice. Took me 4 attempts to read it while mine yelled at me to stop and eat a pickle.
CALIBUR: I love being a calibur!
ME: Stop being a calibur. Arthur needs you.
EXCALIBUR: Ok
Just left a note on the ex’s car saying “I STILL LOVE YOU” hope it doesn’t go unnoticed. I keyed it in pretty deep.
[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope
There is a dude in a fedora sitting next to you on the bus. Is he:
A. a ghost hunter
B. a virgin
C. a sword collector
D. all of the above
me *choking on a piece of popcorn*
cat: Finally
A: Just had to explain the difference between “mute” and “moot” to a younger co-worker.
Q: Why am I drinking out of a flask at work?