I did my three minute river dance routine outside his bedroom window and my hot neighbor still doesn’t want to date me
This is bullshit
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I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…
Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids
me: hi, I have no power at my house
power company: ok, when did it happen
me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift
This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.
[middle of the night]
Me: Wake up!
Wife: What?!
Me: I dreamt Dolores Umbridge banned my pig
Wife:
Me: But she couldn’t. It was HOGwarts
Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’
Son: [cracks knuckles]
Me: Oh yeah? [stands up and knees and back make bubble wrap noises for 20 seconds]
[watching 13 Reasons Why]
WIFE: I can’t believe she had 13 reasons for wanting to die
ME: I know, crazy! Only 13
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you’ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute
Me: I could really use a hug rn.
Bear: …okay.
Me: Ahhhh…no…too much! That’s too much!
Every time i tell people i want to be a comedian they laugh. See, im that good!!
Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.
Frog: WAKE ME UP!
Snake: Wake me up inside!
At my funeral I want there to be a big ‘live laugh love’ sign with the ‘live’ crossed out
Me; Alexa! Start understanding my Indian accent
Alexa: Here’s what I found on Wikipedia about median cement
You: Hold my beer.
Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*
The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.
remembering the time i crashed an oscar watching party with a handful of TV people in los feliz and brought a tres leches cake as my offering to have one of the actors stand up and declare it was “DAIRY” with a measure of disgust
My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.
WTF. I was looking right at her.
The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.
Scotland……because even the Romans needed to meet a group of people that made them say “Nah…just build a wall and keep an eye on em”
I’m the Usain Bolt of running late
My soon to be 13-year-old has been wearing my crocs… how do you say “stay in your lane” in Thirteenese?
The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.
There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.