@Cavspc: Today I have been sober for 100 days.
Not, like, in a row or anything. Just in total.
@matt___nelson: [getting escorted out of zoo] "I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie"
@daemonic3: "I literally can't even!"
-- White girl hanging a picture
@MollySneed: [first date]
I just love that you are a normal, cool girl.
*subtly slides macaroni art of your face back under my chair*
@abbycohenwl: Watch me get this baby up to 90 miles per hour!
- inventor of the baby catapult minutes before he was arrested
@mattytalks: Funny that Lebron couldn't even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs