@neiltyson: Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.

@QueefTornado: What doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Except marriage, marriage will kill you.

@meganamram: Starbucks coffee is disgusting. First of all it tastes like soap, second of all u have to get it from dispensers in the BATHROOM????

@Awesomemom10: Maybe if I answer the door naked the pizza delivery guy won't realize I paid with Monopoly money.

@pleatedjeans: Forget a beach bod I want a bat's bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night