@unravelingfire: Me: Do you like children? Him: Yes, I love them. Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.

@SadPeruna: Even if you don't pay, they'll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.

@seamussaid: only baby boomers will get this: *pension*

@noog: "911 what's ur emergency" This guy's not breathing "Did u send him ur vibes?" Yes I been sending em "I'm sending some too" Okay he good now

@AdriannaLaCervx: This whole "parenting a teenager" thing isn't really working out. I'm going to tell him I just want to be friends.