@Cavspc: Today I have been sober for 100 days.
Not, like, in a row or anything. Just in total.
@sunexplode: Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.
@KalvinMacleod: WIFE: what’s going on?
ME: [locking the door] I haven’t had an apple in 3 days
DOCTOR: [outside, stethoscope in hand] I can hear u breathing
@Jeff_Sargeant: 2 out of 3 isn't bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it's bad
@DothTheDoth: Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets
@Mikel_Jollett: Instagram: My life is a party.
Snapchat: My life is a quirky tv show
Facebook: My life turned out great!
Twitter: We're all going to die.