Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.
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I made my son a grilled cheese with three pieces of cheese and he said that’s too much cheese.
Now my wife is mad at ME for ordering a DNA test.
Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.
Me: Raising a family is hard.
Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.
Me: What?
Necromancer: What?
And to my kids I leave an endless supply of screenshotted recipes that I never made but also refused to delete. With these images I also bequeath a drawer full of condiments and sporks from all the takeout we had instead.
COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.
“Do you believe in evolution?”
“No”
“Global warming?”
“No”
“Racial Equality?”
“No”
“Then what makes The West superior?
“Science! Logic!”
Your Joke Is Factually Incorrect – A Guide to Dying Alone.
hey boy, are you my period? because you’re annoying as hell but I still wanna see you regularly
I often stand naked in front of a full-length mirror, studying myself to better come to terms with my imperfections. It’s not an easy thing to do though, and quite frankly I feel IKEA security could be a little more supportive.
one of my classmates said he’s going into consulting because he likes giving people his opinion but he doesn’t like doing anything lol
On average people watch 8 Spider-Man movies a year in their sleep
[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*
[running a concession stand] pay me $5 and i’ll admit you were right
I’ve accidentally called someone on IG messenger before and my reaction was the same as if I had just been caught shoplifting.
My 5yo made me a zombie card with – what I am told are – a line of zombie GRAVES at the bottom.
GRAVES.
I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.
A person running around with a laptop chasing an unsecured WiFi signal looks eerily like a cat chasing a laser pointer.
My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.
CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢
Army recruiter: “Do you have what it takes to destroy the enemies of our nation?”
Me: *Using recruiter’s mug to peacefully relocate a spider
“Oh absolutely, I’m a killing machine.”
🏙👨🏼
disney: we want a nice elegant design that just says ‘Walt Disney’
graphic designer: Walt Gisney
disney: looks great
Writer joke:
Wife: “You need to do more chores around the house”.
Husband: “Can we change the subject?”
Wife: “Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you.”
Dating another woman, expectations: pillow fights in lingerie, suprising eachother w/ flowers, romantic baths, pride parades
Reality: passing the same cold back & forth, “are you wearing my jeans again?”, hair everywhere, “it’s MY turn to lean on YOUR chest!”, who’s bra is this
sitcoms would be a lot more believable if they had 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded on the sofa
eve: oH IM aDaM aNd I WoNT eAT aN ApPle
adam: wow
eve: lighten up i’m just ribbing you
adam: WOW
I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.
This burrito reminds me of the time I accidentally opened the wrong can of food when I was drunk.
Dog food…I accidentally ate dog food.
Oh, your kid is in all honors courses. That’s cool. Well, my kids are learning from real life experiences like why we don’t put forks in the microwave.