New Year, New Me
New Me [looking around]: absolutely not
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In case you haven’t checked Facebook,
It’s hot today, the fireworks were beautiful, and 32 friends invited you to play candy crush!
Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.
H: Can you call my phone? I can’t find it.
M: Sure. PHONE? PHOOOOOONNNE?! PHONE, WHERE ARE YOU?!
H: Have you been day drinking?
Negotiating with a 3 year old:
Me: pick out two books to read.
3yo: no five books!
Me: fine three books.
3yo: no five books!
Me: no one book!
3yo: no TWO books!
Me: ugh you got me, two books it is.
‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’
*tightens straps on electric chair*
Any last words?
-I think male oysters should be called boysters
Omg will someone throw the damn switch
girls be like “can you get my lip gloss from my purse? just reach in & head left, take a right at the wallet then turn left til you pass 3 nutrigrain bars & take your next right then head straight & it should be there. if you’ve hit the 2007 target receipts you’ve gone too far”
Danger is my middle name. My parents were idiots.
tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.
Things I never thought I would say: “well if you unpacked your stuff you’d know where your elf ears were”.
Parenting is fun lol
Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.
Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn
I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life
If you have an enemy, recommend a bad salon, it’s the best revenge ever
The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.
wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things
me *walks out of the bathroom*
wife: Did you wash your hands?
me *goes back in the bathroom*
In Soviet Russia a bar walks into men. The case of the man-killing-bar remains unsolved.
How you conduct yourself when using plastic wrap is the real you
Brain: You’re getting older.
Heart: No!! Age is just a number!!
Nose Hair: Shut up guys, I’m in charge now.
You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.
Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.
YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy
Me: *astonished whisper* Son?
People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing
customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese
me: sorry, we only take cash
manager: can I talk to you
Obi-wan: You don’t have a shot with Padmé.
Anakin: Don’t underestimate my charm.
*stares at her creepily for the rest of the movie*
doctor: do you use recreational drugs?
me: no
doctor: you don’t have to lie to me
me: yeah i know, but i like to
ME: The word “thief” should be spelled “theif” or we should change how it is pronounced to “thigh-ff” but “thief” always seems incorrect.
COP: While I agree with you, you are still extremely under arrest, lol.
The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm