Today I learned my laser pointer can go all the way to the bar across the street.
Drunk people still think there’s a sniper somewhere.
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Just saw a man park, walk into a movie theater, walk out two minutes later with a large popcorn and a fountain soda, get in his car, and drive away. A hero of our time.
I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.
I really need a better nickname for her.
If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.
Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.
*Summer camps have entered the chat.*
If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.
Skating rink, hockey rink, curling rink… Who decided “rink” could only mean an ice arena?? “Hey, I’m heading down to the hairdressing rink then swinging by the cheese rink after, see ya”
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.
New hobby: Swap text for sponsored ads
that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”
Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.
I’m dismayed…
Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.
We had TikTok when I was a kid, except it was called ‘Funniest Home Video Show’, and everyone agreed that 30 minutes once a week was quite enough of it.
So tired of every man on dating apps saying they’re looking for someone spontaneous. Sir I have anxiety and a career I need a plan.
My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.
If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now
Mario! Are you coming to save me from Bowser’s Castle?
PEACH I MIGHT BE
It’s almost as if the kids at this campsite don’t get how funny it is that I bust in their tent at 4am wearing a clown suit & holding an ax.
For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should’ve measured. First baby. Very excited!!
when you came back from the bathroom and your younger sibling had taken your spot on the couch
Boss: Are you asleep?
Me: Sorry, must’ve dozed off
B: That’s unacceptable!
M: I apologised, didn’t I ?
B: And where are your pants?
M: *shrugging* I always sleep naked
Flock of geese
Murder of crows
Mistake of beers
“To be is to do” – Socrates.
“To do is to be” – Nietzsche.
“Do be do be do” – Sinatra.
“Beep beep beep” – R2D2.
Me: How’s it look?
Doc: You have 2 months to live
M: WHAT?? You’re my dentist!
D: Then you don’t need to come back for a cleaning in 6 mos
A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house
MOTHER-IN-LAW: There are Thanksgiving leftovers in the freezer
ME: Thanks but I…quit cold turkey
MIL: I never wanted you in this family
Nobody:
Mime:
Mute person:
Fight club member:
Parrot:
Torturer who just boldly claimed he had ways of making people talk: oh no
AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]
*3.5 thank you very much.
The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.