@aveuaskew: Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
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@whatmaddness: Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.
@13spencer: A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.
@JackieMartling: A couple's having breakfast. He says, "Were you faking it last night?" She says, "No, I was really asleep."