Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
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People with no volume control stress me out.
I’m sorry I can’t pay attention to you because I’m literally watching everyone else pay attention to you for this personal conversation. I feel like maybe they should just chime in since they’re probably invested now.
Him: Why are you so obsessive? Why can’t you just let things go?
Me: *sighs and puts my 24 page essay on why toast is terrible back into my briefcase*
The “I Voted” sticker should have a frowny face on it this year.
The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.
‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’
My favorite sound in the world is my kids laughter.
A close second is when their breathing changes indicating they’ve fallen asleep thus giving me permission to stare at my phone peacefully
Cobra’s try and act tough by wearing a hoodie
My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account
*gets down on one knee*
Headline: “Russian Jet Shot Down by Turkey”
My 1st thought was, “Holy shit the bird has gone Rambo.” I must have Thanksgiving on my mind.
I’m not saying it’s hard for me to lose weight, I’m just saying if you interrupt me when I’m eating I’m starting over.
Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress
Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”
Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying
Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home
Early Bird: *gets worm*
Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*
Early Bird: SONOFA
POLICE! OPEN UP, WE KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE. WELL, WE DON’T KNOW BUT WE’RE KINDA HOPING YOU ARE COS IT WAS A LONG DRIVE & JIM NEEDS TO PEE.
I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.
*at museum*
Date: this place is so cool, what’s your favourite exhibit here?
Me: I like the room with all the fluffy things
Date: the what? Wait do you mean the coat room? Dude they have spaceships and all sorts here
Me: *staring into muddle distance* so much fluffy
Murphy’s Law – If it can go wrong, it will go wrong. Cole’s Law – shredded cabbage in mayo
Someone gave my boyfriend a book about men getting the upper hand in relationships and I told him to let me read it since he knows how much I love fiction
Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️
5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?
Me: To look pretty.
5: But she’s already pretty.
Me: Aww.
5: Dad, you should wear makeup.
I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.
[blind date]
HER: I love the fall
ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming
Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR
god has let me live another day and i’m about to make it everyone’s problem
My boss is having a colonoscopy today.
I sure hope they find his head.
*adds resume embellisher to resume*
[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!
what kind of cook setting is this??