Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
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Her: Do you have any fantasies?
Me: Probably a ham sandwich that’s a metre long
Her: No I meant like hot ones
Me: Oh yeah I’d toast the bread
I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.
How does a cricket know if his joke has bombed?
I’ll never reveal my secrets.
Alcohol: Lol.
[first day as EMT]
Me: *checks pulse*
Victim’s wife: well?
Me: *shakes head*
Victim’s wife: I don’t think you should shake his head
hair coloring options for women:
out of a box = $12.99
going to a hair salon = $7,000
Shouldn’t Alien vs. Predator just be called Alien vs. Alien?
My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement
Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.
Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.
*my tweet gets 1,000 likes* My wit is classic, timeless, adored by all
*my tweet gets 4 likes* My wit is clever, genius, understood by few
This year I’m gonna get healthy and start dating and find a husband and shit rainbows and ride a unicorn. It’s good to have goals.
[giving a eulogy for my doctor]
ME: im very sorry that i ate all of those apples
A good comeback when someone doesn’t believe you’re a time traveler is “Yeah well nobody cried at your funeral.”
He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.
If Jehovah’s witnesses brought red wine and Pringles with them, I’d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.
7yr old: The sun’s rotation doesn’t change the seasons. I just watched Tinkerbell and the fairies make it happen.
Me: Honey, you know about science and fairies are just in our imaginations.
7: What about the Tooth Fairy?
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: Oh right. It’s totally the fairies.
what is your most benign unpopular opinion? i don’t mean like “the earth is flat” type of unpopular opinion, i mean like “I think golden retrievers are annoying” unpopular opinion
Good morning y’all ☀️
Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry
Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!
Him: You think I’m a liar just because I’m a man?
Me: You think I’m dumb just because I’m blonde?
Him: Yes.
Me: Glad we’re on the same page.
Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.
you’re supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich
Midwestern pride is suffering through cold morning temps in October without a coat because you don’t want to give Mother Nature the satisfaction and it will likely be summer again in the afternoon.
Me: Table for four, please. And can we get some crayons?
Her: Will there be children dining today?
Me: No. The crayons are for me.
We’ve got some ground rules in this house bro. if there’s a sock on the doorknob it means im trippin balls and think the door is a big foot
Why do they call it “book club” and not “no one had time to read it but we’re still gonna get together and drink club”
Friend: not a fan.
Me: correct. you human.
If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.