me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here
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Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.
Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?
I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you are investigating something important and get shot, you have to leave the hospital, even though the doctors say you shouldn’t.
The Olympic trampolining is too easy. The event should start with the contestant dragging the trampoline out of the garage while drinking and being nagged by their kids at a barbecue.
coworker is telling us that being a libertarian is based on facts and I’m rubbing dirt between my hands like the beginning of gladiator
I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..
So that’s what we looked like?
There are exactly 2 options for headphone cord sizes:
1. Headphone users have torsos?
2. Giraffe strangler
DISH FATHER: You can NEVER see that spoon again!
*daughter dish starts sobbing*
[outside the window, Spoon is thinking] we leave tonight
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Cool! Did you know the human body can’t feel water, only a change in temperature?
Him: no. not like that.
Doctor: Can you stick to a clear liquid diet for a few days?
Me: Sure! Vodka is a clear liquid.
Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, “I love you too!” while hanging out of the sunroof.
Me, 1
Kids, 0
Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?
Them: Go big or go home
Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice
Me: you need to pick up your Legos
4: can I ask you something first
M:
4: how about you pick up my Legos and I play with my cars while you do that
M:
4: I think that’s the best plan
M: um, no
4: screams
ME: Then the robber came thru the door holding a gun
COP: Was it a revolver?
ME [thinks] No he just pushed it open & walked thru like normal
Sorry I can’t help you move, my hands are in permanent air quotes
why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money
[First Date]
HER: Do you consider yourself a feminist?
ME: Oh I’m not feminist at all!
HER:
ME: In fact, some of my best friends are women.
[showing my 4yo a Slinky]
me: look, it’s walking down the stairs
kid: what else can it do
me: literally nothing
I’ve discovered I can turn invisible, but it’s involuntary and only works on bartenders.
Her: What do you do for fun?
Me: I write jokes about water vapor
Her: What’s that like?
M: It’s a gas
Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out
I don’t hate children, just yours.
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Him: You not telling me I did something wrong for a whole day.
Me: no. Think of something else.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something newPfff….poetry is easy