[at a bar]
CUTE GIRL: *grabs my arm* hey there
ME: *mouth full of food* did you know a lobster on a kabob is called a kablobster
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One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.
[Calling guy I met in bar in ’91]
Me: Remember you said “Call me any time?” Well, I could really use a sitter tonight.
When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.
Motion detecting home security camera working well!
When ever I put on my mask to go into a store, I hear a voice in my head that says “cover me, I’m going in”
If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that you only give your toddler as much juice as you’d like to see on the floor
“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.
[Deleting all work emails]
THESE DON’T BRING ME JOY!
If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.
If these walls could talk they would definitely say wow this guy really does add cheese to everything after all
person: can you keep a secret?
me: I’ll never share what you say but it will weigh on me and negatively affect my life
person: oh thank god
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: Okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
Kid: I love you
Me: to the moon?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back again?
Kid: no, that’s too much love
Me: [sneaks off to lay by pool cuz kids are finally playing]
7yo: HERE I AM MOMMY SO YOU DON’T HAFTA BE ALONE
Me: [sigh] Thanks bud.
The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time
If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.
You know….
Squid Pro Quo
There should be a guy with a leaf blower to dry my hands in the washroom at Home Depot.
god: next up for 2020-
angel: crap, what now?
god: tornadoes FULL OF SHARKS
angel: i’ll get legal
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo
I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot
From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”
I’m like the reverse Goldilocks. I’d lay on a bed of nails and be like, “No, no, this is fine.”
In hindsight I spent far too much time and money on gifts considering that my 6yo spent all of Christmas night playing with an electric toothbrush
I have to stop paying attention when I get too close to any round number of followers, because then I notice way too easily when I lose one, and it’s like “oh no, my hot take on pencil skirts deeply alienated someone who now despises me, I must send a cookie basket”
How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace’s bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet
m’lady
But my sandwich is so dry!
“Sorry sir, that’s not what we do here at the Mayo Clinic.”
[fast food management]
“All dipping sauces go into a plastic container.”
“What about ketchup?”
“Use a tiny pouch impossible to open without getting half of it on your fingers.”
every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.