Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.
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Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife: I hate your corduroys
I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.
Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: 24 glasses of milk
Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?
Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag
My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.
Me: No work tomorrow so I’m sleeping in.
Kids: LOL
Dog: LOL
Brain: LOL
Bladder: LOL
In lieu of burial, Mr. Peanut will be dry roasted and his remains will be scattered on the floor of a Texas Roadhouse.
I went to AutoZone and asked for window shield wipers. Window shield. I can never go back.
Just when you think you have your shit together, a sock goes missing from the dryer and disappears from the face of the earth.
For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.
The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.
what’s even the ecological purpose of mosquitoes? to feed the birds ?? can’t we all just chip in like $5 each and buy a bunch of birdseeds from costco and cancel the mosquitoes ???
#growingpains
Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.
When you have mixed feelings about bathtime
The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.
I made a cool diagram of how the Spanish Flu worked in 1918.
INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.
11: can I see one of your last tweets?
Me: *pulls up tweet*
11: no, I meant a funny one
What I was warned about as a kid:
*Strangers in vans
*Gum taking seven years to digest
*QuicksandWhat I wasn’t warned about as a kid:
*Arguing with a computer that I’m not a robot
*Being sad when my favorite spatula breaks
*Meeting a “pickleball influencer”
If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.
What’s it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it’s called alcohol.
[walking somewhere]
My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!
My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.
003: Hey
004: Hey
003: Hey
005: Hey
003: Hey
006:
003: I said Hey
006: What’s going on?– 4 Non Bonds
[looking up at night sky]
Girl: The Milky Way and Mars have always fascinated me.
Boy: *trying to impress* Yes, and I also enjoy Snickers.
me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp
Beast: I’ll be like this until someone loves me for who I am
Ugly girl: I’ll love you for who you are
Beast: not you, someone attractive. So I really learn my lesson
If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.