@CakeThrottle: Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.
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@slooberbie: "Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe." -me in every social situation
@pharmasean: Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald's deep fryer
@WrongPandas: [at funeral] Me: "I'm sorry your husband died in that boating accident in Venice" Widow: "please no.... Me: "you have my gondolances"