Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.
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me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?
therapist: yes help yourself
me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here
Jigsaw: I want to play a game
Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games
Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG
Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
When parents say to kids “go to ur room & think about what you’ve done” it’s really good practice for what you’ll do every night as an adult
Fortune Teller: I see a trip in your future
Me [cancelling a week-long trip to Peru]: haha nope. wrong, idiot.
[fall down stairs as I leave]
The bad news is, I accidentally took the wrong medications this morning
The good news: Guess who is now protected from fleas and heartworms for the next 3 months?
At what point in listening to your kid whine can you say, “Sorry. This relationship isn’t working out. You should start seeing other moms.”
Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?
Me: guess who I bumped into at the store
My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone
I was talking to my husband about what it would be like to have a third kid when my 4yo wrapped his little hand in mine and said, “mom, I would be pissed.”
At Home Depot, I’m just as confused and lost as the birds that have accidentally flown into the building.
1920’s: Women were fighting for equality and the poor were suffering while the rich prospered at their expense.
2020’s: Women are fighting for equality and the poor are suffering while the rich prosper at their expense but we have the Internet now.
I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug
Coding: Where incessantly talking to yourself seems completely normal and debugging is like being a detective in a movie where you are both the detective and the perpetrator.
When a millenial asks why everyone in old photos have red eyes I tell them they were too young to remember the great demon uprising of the 1980s.
You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*
Friend: You have guacamole on your face.
Me: *wipes it off with finger, smears it on her cheek*
You have guacamole on your face.
I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.
“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”
“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”
Does superman ever go back to get his clothes, or is Metropolis just full of hobos running around in glasses and Clark Kent outfits?
[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.
the worst pressure is when you’re replying to a text with a word you can’t spell and you know they’re going to wonder why it took you 5 minutes to type “I’ll bring hors d’oeuvres”
Forget my browser history, when I finally pass from this earth, please delete my calculator history because it’s waaaay more embarrassing
Sometimes I put my workout gear on and watch tv because it’s the thought that counts.
Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black
I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.
Some people see the glass as half empty.
I see it as the reason I have to pee.
I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.
I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.