The bank says I can’t afford a $950 mortgage so I pay $1400 a month in rent instead.
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what do you want!!!!!!!!
Text: CMAO
Me: I think you mean LMAO, for “Laughing my ass off.”
That guy in 127 Hours who got his arm trapped under a boulder: No.
The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
Toddler misbehaves, but follows it up with throwing his hands in the air and yelling “Ta-da!” so he won’t get in trouble.
Stealing it.
[raises hand in math class]
HOW DO PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE SPAM CORPORATION KNOW WHEN THEY’RE GETTING UNSOLICITED EMAIL?
Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.
If someone offers you nuts by asking “Cashews?” and you don’t answer “God bless you” they will take away your dad card.
Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance
Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.
My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.
I was drinking water while laying down and missed my mouth. I get waterboarding now.
I’m quitting drinking for a year.
*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.
Sorry, punctuation is everything.
Tik Toks be like here’s a money hack:
Commit Fraud
Man: Who are you?
God: Your god.
Man: What’s your name?
God: I can’t tell you.
Man: No way!
God: Jahweh!
Man:
God: Doh!
Fun Fact: If you lie down in an aisle at Walmart for a couple hours, they will tag you and put you in a clearance bin.
In case you’re wondering if humans will be able to overcome the virus, remember we are talking about the species that presses harder on the remote control buttons when the battery is dead.
Homeschooling, day 8:
People do this willingly?
me: dentist said the kids have the plague
wife: plaque
me: yes a memorial would be good
I haven’t prevented a single forest fire.
Is it possible that Smokey was talking to someone behind me?
Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.
If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.
[being prepared as a virgin sacrifice to a vengeful god]
me: this is a mistake. i do sex all the time
shaman: [anointing me with ceremonial oils] lol with who?
me: you wouldn’t know her she goes to another tribe
“Surprise!” they yelled as he came in.
He screamed.
“Happy birthday!” they said.
“Do I know you?”
“No. We’re just excellent surprisers.”
It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.
Longest English word:
‘pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosi’Longest Spanish word: ‘GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL’