Today I learned two things:
1. Build-A-Bear Workshop only lets you stuff fake animals
2. Mall security guards get to use real handcuffs
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[2045]
The national language is Yeet. Your daughter’s fiancé is a YouTuber whose legal name is Landon FTW.
[garage sale]
ME: can I leave my children as collateral
LADY: you haven’t bought anything
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
Two ladybugs landed on me so I gay-married them, and now we’re being picketed by Westboro Baptist praying mantises.
EXPLORER 1: *looking at ancient symbols in pyramid* It says “Here lies updog”
EXPLORER 2: What’s updog?
EGYPTIAN SPIRITS: Lol
HISTORIAN: im a historian
ME: ah… so… wats ur favorite… uh… year
HISTORIAN: oh, 1901
ME: ah yes… the year they discobvered the… 19th century
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re dead Linda
😍😂🥰😂😍
You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.
I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.
30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.
Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”
My kid: mumma where are you going?
Me: I’m going to meet my really old friends
My kid: you mean friends your age?
Me: ‘really old’ meaning from long ago
My kid: so same
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
[christ descends from heaven]
I HAVE RETURNED
[sees america]
OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room
My new favorite headline
Occasionally, the universe will send a sniffly stranger to stand too close to you in the store and inexplicably follow you through a couple aisles. Just for funsies
[grocery store]
Ok, milk… Check!
Eggs… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
Doctors offices be like hi we’ll take you right in the room take your vitals and then leave you in there for 2 hours.
You see a Honda, a Toyota, a Chevy, and another Honda. I see four people who aren’t getting that parking space. Hang on.
Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.
My dribbled milkshake stains bring all the dry cleaners to my yard
Aquarius: Someone will hack into your dating profile, but won’t touch a thing because they think you’ve already been hacked. You haven’t.
I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.
what if all high-voltage signs on doors are just a trick and there’s actually an extra woman’s bathroom inside…
I was reading to my kids today and in the story, there was a pregnant woman.
My 3 year-old asked, “What happened to her belly?”
I replied, “There’s a baby in there.”
3 was horrified; “She ate a baby?!”
Sensing a good opportunity, I said “Yes.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
The existence of raw sexuality implies the existence of medium sexuality, but also well-done sexuality
You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.
Oh hey mom. Yeah the date went fine, I think she liked my jorts bc she kept glancing at them