@BillPelicanBros: Today I nearly met my end!...it was in a yoga class.
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@TheToddWilliams: [restaurant] ME: Excuse me, this alphabet soup tastes funny WAITER: Well it is Comic Sans
@weinerdog4life: When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus's chasing you
@DrDogMD: DR DOG: The vasectomy was a success. But until it's healed completely, you'll need to wear this *places cone around patient's neck*
@Bearslietoo: Playing hard to get works with some men but apparently cops call it "resisting arrest."