Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Japanese guys jumped out and yelled “supplies!”
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If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you’re walking
“You need to chill out, you’ve yelled at everything that isn’t a snack.”
–my 10 year old
Nurse: sorry for the wait
Mario: it’s ok, I’m a patient
WIFE: He wanted me to lay these coins over his eyes at his funeral
FRIEND: Seems like a waste of chocolate
[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle
[first date that up until now is going extremely well]
date: it’s nice to finally meet a normal guy
me: my dog’s name is jeff
A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”
Earthlings are the most dangerous of all the lings.
The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.
Young man cashier: Ma’am, if you don’t mind me saying, you have really beautiful eyes.
What I heard: Ma’am
Made a special running playlist that’s nothing but zombie moans & shuffling feet. I’ve lost 20 pounds & can run a 4:30 minute mile.
we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’
Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise
Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper
Me: Mistakes my own hair for a spider at least once a day & screams
Also me: [watching Criminal Minds] I could totally be a cop
Murderer: [stabs me]
Me: [does a kart wheel at the exact right moment resulting in the appendectomy I need but can’t afford bc I live in the US]
I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube
My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.
Follow these tips for a happy Thanksgiving. Printable version available on FB:
[Girlfriend looks at me in disgust]
“Did u just propose using emojis?”
…
“Technically its called a propoji, but yes”
[She’s already gone]
if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle
Me: I hope you pee your pants, teach you not to hold it in!
My daughter: You shouldn’t wish for that..you’re the one that does the laundry!
Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab
🌓🌎🌞 <– lunar eclipse
🌎🌓🌞 <– solar eclipse
🌎🌞🌗 <– apocalypse
[sees annoying coworker at store]
Him: Hey, what’s new?
Me: [gets right up in his face] Stuart, EVERYTHING in here is new.
My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.
My wife takes 13 bikinis for a 4-day beach trip. Meanwhile, I’m rocking the swimming trunks my mom bought at K-Mart in 1991.
Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.
The only way I’d get within six feet of some people is if I’m standing on their grave.
The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping