@leshnevsky: Today I played dead with my 5yo nephew. He cried for 5 seconds, then grabbed my iPhone and run away.
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@ObscureGent: When I die, I'm going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me. *Dies eating gas station sushi
@OBiiieeee: my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
@DaddyJew: No, YOUUU had a kid just so you could have someone to eat pizza and play video games with
@Sean_Burgundy_: People usually stop coming over to your house when you greet them with "Make yourself at home, BUT WHATEVER YOU DO DON'T OPEN THE FREEZER."