people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical
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Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: Could a drunk person do this? *I just piss my pants*
Cop: WOW. Yes actually.
Me: That was supposed to be a backflip
It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I’m home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter.
Let’s pray for her.
The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.
5yo: I want a snack.
M: You can have a yogurt smoothie.
5: I NEED CHOICES!
M: Ok. You can have a yogurt smoothie or you can have nothing.
Statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a vending machine than a shark. But here at SharkVend™, we think we may have found a way to even those odds.
Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.
Hubby got all smug when our son asked him for girl advice so I confirmed that if he wants to bag a girl like me then daddy’s the man for the job and shut that shit down
Unfortunately you can only fake your death like three times before your boss starts asking to see the death certificate
My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder
So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now
A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician go on a hunting trip. They spot a deer n the physicist takes aim first, bullet misses the deer by 5m to the left.
Chemist fires, but the bullet misses by 5m to the right.
The statistician jumps up & down, shouting, “We got it!
WHY?
Eating an expensive steak is good and all but have you ever ordered wings at a classy restaurant, love the look on the waiter’s face.
For anyone who says parents can’t have Friday night fun, I’m at Target right now buying toilet paper.
So, yeah, you’re right.
– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!
– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.
her: *tasting the punch* this is delicious, what’s your secret?
me: i added ginger
her: *laughing* my cat is called ginger
ginger: *wet meows*
20s: Sure, I’ll take the floor.
30s: The floor? No. But I’ll sleep on the couch.
40s: What thread count are your sheets?
I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.
How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.
Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.
Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.
Me: Now do you believe me?
Wife: The fridge isn’t haunted.
Me: Then who made all that ice?
Wife: *walks away*
Me: WHO?!
Are folks still buyin’ those weighted blankets and whatnot? Were their normal-a** blankets just flyin’ off in the middle of the night? “It happened again, Melissa. I gotta sew some sandbags into that shit.”
if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?
It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime
Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…
Working on a new catchphrase. I’m workshopping “That really butters my baboon!” and “THAT’ll put a meatloaf in your mailbox!”
They’re testing equally well (nobody likes them)
When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.
Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.
“Where do escalators come from?”
“Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much…”
Michelangelo: Why are you naked?
Me: How else are you going to sculpt me like you did David?
Michelangelo: Dude, I’m a ninja turtle!
*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile
Hubs accidentally picked up my coffee cup this morning, took a big gulp, and spewed it out across the table. What a waste of good Scotch.