Today. I. Realized. That. Typing. Like. This. Doesn’t. Make. Your. Point. Stronger. It. Makes. You. Look. Like. Your. Computer. Has. Asthma
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“If decorative towels can be a thing then decorative grills can be a thing”
~Me buying a cool looking copper charcoal grill that I don’t really need.
Me: I love the way the rib meat just falls off the bone
Other surgeons: what
Spell check is for lasers.
*cop pulls me over*
Have you been drinking?
No I-
*water bottle now full of wine*
*officer lowers shades. its Jesus*
No one will believe you
POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb
When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years
The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.
[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.
I’ve watched this over 100 times and I still can’t figure out how he did this
So far my favorite thing about COVID-19 is getting an email from EVERY SINGLE STORE that’s ever had my email addy about how they are committed to protecting their employees and customers. I HAVEN’T SET FOOT INSIDE YOUR STORE IN 7 YEARS LEAVE ME ALONE.
*feels comfortable*
comfortable: *slaps hand away*
I work as a receptionist in a vets. When somebody’s pet is being put to sleep we light a candle to let everyone know to be quiet and respectful. There was no dying pet today. I just had a hangover.
Don’t you hate it when you go into the bathroom at a party to sneak out of the window, and their bathroom doesn’t have a window, so you have to bust through the wall like the Kool-Aid Man?
Accidentally drove to work w/the kids still in the car & they waited until I parked to cheer that they weren’t going to school.
Mon-1
Mom-0
I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.
Had that dream again where I was the Pied Piper…but I was playing the saxophone and all the moms in the neighborhood were following me around.
High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.
If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
i made a craigslist ad !
dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it
What did u do last night?
Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey
Don’t u mean sorrows?
Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?
It’s snowing again but luckily it’s the kind of snow you see in paintings about Valley Forge and not the kind you see in movies about Siberia
[the first couples argument]
Adam: It’s Christmas Eve.
Eve: No, you idiot. Christmas is tomorrow.
*filling out preschool form*
1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.
2nd child: He knows all of the colors.
3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.
I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.
No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample
I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.