Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.
Then I thought of you.
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In a physio waiting room amongst athletes comparing their stories.
I can’t wait until my turn when I tell them I slept wrong on my pillow.
Facebook: I’m happy!
Instagram: I’m pretty!
Vine: I’m artsy!
Pinterest: I’m crafty!
Twitter: I’m lying everywhere but here.
ENTER PASSWORD.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
RESET PASSWORD.
NEW PASSWORD CAN’T BE OLD PASSWORD.
sets fire to computer
Marriage is mostly blaming your spouse for not listening to the things you say, even when you’re not entirely sure you’ve said them out loud.
No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
@funTweeters I dig it! Thank you
Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…
1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me
trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card
wife: omg what are you doing?
me: wrapping presents
wife:
me:
wife: IS THAT ALUMINUM FOIL?!
This day in history. 1701. Maryland legalized divorce in cases where the wife displeased their clergyman. What kind of kinky cult was that?
*logs onto online banking*
Oh good, my emergency dollar is still there
Me: I’m heading to the grocery store. Any requests?
12-year-old: You know the stuff you usually buy?
Me: Yeah.
12: Don’t get any of it.
Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.
If “six degrees” is true, somebody tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell Scarlett Johansson I said “Hi.”
Nice empty fish tank
It’d be a shame if someone were to FILL IT WITH SNAKES!
*the terrarium is invented*
One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for
Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.
⛄️
me: Can you swing by Taco Bell?
guy driving the ambulance:
Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.
“They’re gray with gray stripes”
– me warning my dog about skunks
Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*
*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up
My retirement plan is to have an abdomen that can stop a cannonball
[on a 1st date]
Me: I’m just looking to take things slow
Her: *in a wedding dress* me too
Sometimes when I see a baby wriggling in a highchair, I like to pretend I’m a Bond villain.
“You’ll find escape is quite impossible, Mr. Baby.”
I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25