Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.
Then I thought of you.
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My memory is pretty bad until I’m pissed off, and then you are in for quite the surprise.
Desperate, I pull a goose from my bag and throw it screaming into the bully’s face. Gertrude, my biggest and angriest goose, destroys him.
One time when we were eating breakfast at denny’s my grandma read an ancient mormon hex at the table & accidentally reverse baptized my denver omelette.
Eggs are just drums you can only play once
My 4 year old niece won’t eat the grilled cheese I just made her because it looks funny. Kinda choosy for someone that just ate a crayon.
I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.
To the girl with the nazi swastika avi that just rt’d me…… You just rt’d a Jew!!!! Enjoy your evening shalom
There’s a disturbance in the coffee.
[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re hereme: no
interviewer: very good
When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.
[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]
“Get out of here, NOW!”
“Why?”
“HAVEN’T U SEEN TERMINATOR 2?”
Q-tips specifically say NOT to put them in your ears yet that’s the only reason we buy them. We are not a species built for survival
[soup kitchen]
*homeless man is handed a plate*
What the hell is this?
-Turkey bacon.
*throws tray against wall*
I’m hungry! Not desperate!
My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.
Me: It’s cute how obsessed you are with me. All you talk about is what I’ve done.
Judge: That’s my job!
People who carry their dogs around,
You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs
I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.
Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
Me as a teen: Only 150 hours?
Me as an adult: I will literally pay you more money to make this game shorter
This has got to be the Twitter exchange of the day.
I have a horrific story to share. I sauteed broccoli for dinner with extended family. We were almost done. I was about to eat my last bite. And I saw a caterpillar. I went to the pan. More caterpillars. By then it was too late. So, I said nothing. I fed my family caterpillars 😭
Cool puppy. What’s his name?
“Patches”
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”
I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.
how many bears make up a bear minimum
My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza
My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.
Sometimes I lay in bed awake at night thinking, how did Skeletor from He-Man speak perfectly without lips or a tongue
Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.
– news stations
I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.
[3 years from now]
I can’t believe it’s still 2020.