Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩
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Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
I still remember the day two Nigerian men were arguing on the bus, and they fully agreed to exchange numbers to meet up and fight that weekend cus they were late for work.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOL
There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug
[1st date, opening scene of star wars]
ME: *leans over* those are the stars
DATE: thanks
ME: but you have to wait for the wars
A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.
I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.
INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference
*gets followed*
Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets
DOG (watching me stuff my face): Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the–
ME: Ope…
Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?
“You know, your ex-wife was trash! I never liked her.”
“We’re still married, Grandma.”
“She’s such a lovely girl.”
Fortune Cookie:
You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.
Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”
If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.
If there was vomit on my sweater already from mom’s spaghetti I think I would just stay home. No rap battles for me tonight please, I am unwell
You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.
[choosing a daycare: first child]
Wife: what certifications do your employees have? what curriculum do you use?
Me: do your cameras have any blind spots?
[choosing a daycare: second child]
Wife: do you have any openings?
Me: what’s the latest we can pick them up?
Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect
Toys ‘R Us pulled Breaking Bad figures because the characters sold drugs, but continue to sell Darth Vader ones, and he blew up a planet.
To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.
Good news, people in 3rd world countries, suffering inexplicable hardships- Amy from fb says god won’t give you more than you can handle.
I have two options:
1) go and pick up my son from after school club and get absolutely soaked in the rain.
2) leave him there for the weekend.
“To prove how much I love you I’m going to eat this entire pizza.”
That’s not what I –
“Please stop. Let me do this.”
Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.
I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.
[confession booth]
ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes
PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this
ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share
PRIEST: you forgot pride
ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this
I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.
A teenage girl trying to find the right t-shirt, is far more decisive than me in front of 10 different sandwiches
If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.
[guy inventing wicker furniture]
think I might knit myself a chair