A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
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i’ve had too much coffee
~ amateurs
I was sad to lose an arm wrestling match to a woman, but I felt better after I found out she was a man. Then sad again because we had sex.
What if you told a joke on stage then left. Then every few minutes for the next hour you peek out the curtain to see if anyone new is laughing at your joke. That’d be crazy right? That’s Twitter.
I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about
“Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Waldo, Not Waldo”–Where’s Waldo Audiobook
[SEXTING]
ME: tell me what you likeHER: I really get off on exhibitionism
ME: OK, cool, weird that museums turn you on but cool
[Ghost describing stalker to sketch artist]
“He was a yellow circle with a demonic mouth.”
*holds up drawing of Pac-Man*
*sobs* THAT’S HIM!
New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
Sorry I’m late, I was untangling my AirPods.
Nobody ever says “OMG I saw your twin!” and shows you a picture of somebody attractive. It’s always like “OMG I saw your twin!” and then it’s a picture of a half-eaten sandwich in the garbage
If the doctor is running over 30 minutes late, they should have to tell you what was going on with their last patient that took so long. I don’t mind waiting, but give me the goss
I don’t really ask for much, just good health and happiness. Oh, and a tater tot as big as my head.
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Such a sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* Endorphins
Me: No, just whales
Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom
Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.
watching silence of the lambs, when i saw it as a teenager it was obviously a film about a cannibal killer guy but watching it again now it’s about a woman being leered at by creepy guys from all angles except the psycho killer guy who is genuinely interested in her as a person
HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER
Therapist: would you say you’re making time for self-care as a stay at home mom?
Me: yesterday I didn’t realize my pants were on inside out until lunchtime.
Ibuprofen is the new Chiclets for people over 40
Please please please please please please please…
-me, flushing someone else’s toilet
[bank heist get away]
Chad the Thief: I can’t believe…
Gary the driver: Look, it’s the only vehicle I could get.
Chad: But an ice cream van…
Gary:
Chad: Can you at least turn the music off?
Proud of my teen for keeping a straight face when she told her friend I’m 25. That friend’s gonna have some questions, but that’s what she gets for asking my age.
5: wow, you look so pretty
Me: thank yo—
5: with your sunglasses on
Me: am I pretty without them?
*UNCOMFORTABLY LONG PAUSE*
5: sure
I just walked up three flights of stairs really fast, so if anyone needs me, I’ll be dead at the top of the stairwell.
When I see a kid on a leash I assume they were a dog turned into a kid by a witch & the owners have yet to figure out how to turn them back.
I’ve been introducing myself as Jim The Chosen One ever since I was named milk monitor in grade 6.
I hate when my boss wants to talk politics and asks me things like why isn’t your report done and why are you always late?
“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid**checks for abs, finds a clown