Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.
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Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas
me: “im confused, run that by me again”
doctor: “you do not need to bring your cat to the hospital, that’s just what we call the machine”
Gandalf: NONE SHALL PASS
Pharmacist: in that case I suggest prune juice, it’s a great natural laxative
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I invited a couple to a party that she’s planning without telling her.
If you all vote for Kanye, I’m packing up Canada and moving it to Australia.
Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil
wife: please don’t pick any fights this year
me: im over that stuff [shows up later to my kid’s birthday party with a piñata shaped like one of the other parents]
me: you said you were going to clean your room
5 year old: I said it, but I didn’t promise
me: yes you did. you said, “I promise”
5 year old: ok, I promised, but I didn’t mean it
Yesterday I found my first grader on her school computer designing a power point, and I just want to know why am I paying for camp this summer when I could just hire her for an unpaid internship?
If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.
What I know about light:
-Cannot be eaten
-Unless…
-Maybe can be eaten?
-I definitely made an eating motion
-But I am not full?
-Try again?
-I bit my tongue
-Can hurt your tongue
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food my kids spilled*
ant: oh wait
The real world does feel a bit like the state of Batman comics right now.
You beat one grinning evil, two more show up, and while you’re fighting them, the first one is resurrected and pretty soon you’re banging the cat lady.
of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people
Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor
18 years old: let’s eat pizza at 1am and feel amazing
40 years old: I ate a chicken sandwich at 9pm and had heartburn for two days
Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.
being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita
[in conference room]
Coworker: What time is it?
Me: Time to get a watch, Carl *moonwalks out of room*
I used to laugh at my neighbour for getting the gender of his dog wrong for years until my cat laid an egg and now I suspect it’s a penguin.
the most unrealistic thing about stranger things is how max was the only character who was advised to seek psychological help
Kid being grounded in 1978:
YOU CAN’T GO OUTSIDE. YOU MUST STAY IN YOUR ROOM.
Kid being grounded in 2018:
YOU CAN’T STAY IN YOUR ROOM. YOU MUST GO OUTSIDE.
FUN GAME: when someone tells you the name of their new baby, repeat it back to them, with their surname, and say “Like the murderer?!”
*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN
Jeb Bush: “The Pope should not discuss climate change because he’s not a scientist, although if elected, I will be your wife’s gynecologist”
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.
” I made my famous dip for the office party”
You’re a regular Abe Lincoln.
“But he wasn’t a chef”
Exactly
Whoa 😂
My daughter just found the dog leash and collar
Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog
SPELLING BEE
“Defiant”
Can I have the definition, please?
“No”