@Tmoney68: Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said "We do our business in your mouth" and I haven't stopped laughing.
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@ElgatoEsmio: [DUI checkpoint] Cop: I'm gonna need you to follow my finger Me: As long as it doesn't tweet inspirational stuff
@Sarcasticsapien: When I ask someone out and they say no I get uncomfortable and just start clapping and saying "Good answer" like people on Family Feud.
@rachelle_mandik: let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth