Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.
You Might Also Like
“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance
How to lose a gf:
Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?
Me: *names two of them*
Every morning after I get up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA.
#HatDadJoke
Police officer: You get to make one phone call.
Me: Do I have to?
Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.
I’m tempted to start throwing glitter at people who refuse to wear masks. So sorry it got in your mouth and up your nose, I bet a mask would have prevented that.
A choir of Spring onions
Alex: A ship that has sunk
What is my relationship?
Alex: No sorry tha-
[glares at wife] I’ll take YOU RUINED MY LIFE KAREN for $800 Alex
Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker
Good morning babe! Do you like good girls? [Starts making you breakfast] or bad girls [burns the toast]
Him: How did you get in my house?
Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.
God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!
My son can play any song by ear on the piano.
I can sort items for the recycling bin.
Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?
Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down
I just asked my kids to jump into a bubbling magma pit.
Just kidding, I asked them to eat the dinner I cooked for them, but their reaction fits that magma scenario
GIRL: Dad, I want you to meet my boyfriend
DAD: Your bf is a bald eagle?
BALD EAGLE: *adjusting toupee* I’m just a regular eagle actually
“these Kate Middleton pics will silence internet critics” I don’t think u understand how badly you’ve fucked this. there are now people on the internet who could SHAKE HER HAND and still claim she’s four cats in a wig
You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?
Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.
In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.
If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.
“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
Him: I’m an animal person
Me: *nervous* So like, a shapeshifter?
[answering machine]
“Hi Mom, leave a message”
If RL people ask you how to join twitter, tell them they have to be sponsored by six people and submit tweets for approval. And pay. Sorted.
Popped out a tiny human today so thats neat
My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
*In a Bedroom at a Halloween Party*
Woman Dressed as Nurse: That’s a cool effect.
Man Dressed as Dracula: Vat effect are you referring to?
Her: You’re not casting a reflection in the mirror.
Dracula:
Her: oh
“My New Years resolution is to become the guy that tries to start a conversation with you as you leave the room”, I’ve been saying to all my co-workers when they start to leave the room.