Crossing guard: *motioning for me to walk* go ahead
Me: but there’s a lot of cars coming
Crossing guard: *looks at me eating a burrito sideways* nah, you’re good
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How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
Me: I love eating nerds
Boy: (brings me Nerds candy)
Me: no, not that kind.
LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.
HER: You look so nervous.
ME: *nervously* HA. I’m never nervous.
HER: You’re sweating.
ME: *just freaking out* That’s bravery moisture.
I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom
date: are u a tender lover?
me: more of a dino nugget guy
At dinner my husband hollered, “I’m going to run off to a place where I’m appreciated!”
My daughter: Don’t take my Barbie backpack.
My son: Can someone pass the butter?
My mother: You married her.
Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.
I’m really shy in RL.
But on here, I can wildly yell “I hate corn!” without thinking twice.
Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love.
This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.
“I just called to say I love you.”
-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work
Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
Yoga Instructor: This is Warrior pose
Me:*Sitting down, eating a cheeseburger
YI:
Me:*chewing
I’m a Warrior who just slayed a McDonaldite
Every Independence Day I get a little bit disappointed when aliens don’t try to take over the world.
Jim: You have a Fantasy Football team?
Me: Guys aren’t my thing. But, Tom Brady’s kinda cute.
Jim: No, I-
Me: Ooh! Cam Newton’s dreamy, too!
“I took care of your clown problem.”
Of the 4 people living in this house, I’m the only one who didn’t immediately try to touch the new cactus houseplant.
Streaming Service: We think this wholesome comedy would be great!
Me: hmmm
Streaming: How about thoughtful calm drama parallel of life
Me: 🤔
Streaming: ok…how about a depressing cult docu-series that will fill you with a rage that will not die
Me: ya ya that’s the one
“You can’t come in here with a dog.”
“I’m blind. It’s my seeing eye dog.”
“No way. They don’t breed Chihuahua service dogs.”
“They gave me a Chihuahua?”
*narrows eyes* that sounds like something a crocodile would say
Mood: the first half of a paper towel commercial when the mom is ready to light her family on fire
[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*
Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money
Me: What were you and daddy just laughing about?
9: You
Me: What about me?
9: You won’t think its as funny as we do
*Tries new coffee with 300% more caffeine*
“It’s okay. Can’t feel a difference.”
[5 minutes later]
*Throws refrigerator out window*
me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin
My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death
Maternity confirmed
[throws salad into a garden]
Go home boy…you’re free now.
Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.