[1868]
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*
You Might Also Like
My wife:“That’s not the shirt I sent her to daycare in.”
Me:“But it’s the right kid?”
Wife: “Yes.”
Me: “Awesome. I’m going to play Xbox”
My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.
I was putting on my shoes.
My dog: wasn’t me
Me: I know
My dog: honest It wasn’t me
Me: it’s ok really
My dog: [chip packet still on her head] I think the kid ate them
My son is watching Up, and asked if they tried to get a baby by having sex.
If I have to picture Carl and Ellie doing the nasty, so do you.
I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.
Water Park Lifeguard: I said you are unwelcome here
Me: I promise this corduroy swimsuit isn’t as flammable as the last one- please?
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
Cop: can u describe your attacker
Me: super aggressive, with a big nose & powerful arms
Cop: u just described a seagull
Me: he took my chips
It may be an unpopular opinion, so block me if you must, but not all Girl Scout cookies are good. Their “Toast-yay!” should be called “Toast-boo!”
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW
If you are in the market for a new fridge just know that my 4yo makes more ice pretending to be Elsa than my four year old Samsung refrigerator.
Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.
“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said
Become ungovernable.
After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.
the passive aggression of Snapchat asking “do you want to abandon your snapsterpiece?” and forcing you to click “abandon” like sorry I’m not carrying this picture of my bagel to term, I had a moment of clarity and remembered literally no one needs to see this
Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.
You had me at “she’s the one,” but lost me at “officer.”
LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash
Me: Can my gift this year be a new secretary.
Boss: I cannot legally assign you anyone until your last secretary’s case goes to trial…
My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?
When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother
Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.
notice
When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.