Today, I shall mostly be drawing little moustaches and monocles on all the spermatozoa in the biology textbooks at the library.
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People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
Nonparents be like: I would simply instruct the toddler to do something he doesnt want to do, and he would obey
If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.
Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.
Good Cop: why is your baby crying
Mom: he just won’t take a nap
Pun Cop: looks like he’s
Good Cop: if u say resisting a rest i swear to god
Micro-dosing sleep by just closing my eyes for a moment while I’m driving.
…Hey, this road has a lot more fish than usual.
Forget Botox… if you really want to look younger, get braces.
[ first date ]
her: i want a partner that can open my heart
me: well i am a surge-
her: and never do anything to shock me
me: protector
*runs into the back of wife’s leg with the grocery cart for the 5th time*
me: We meet agai-
wife: Go wait in the car
me: Ok
Cop: I’m going in, cover me!
Me:*speed knits blanket*
Can’t wait until my wife hears that someone tried to throw a wood-mounted singing largemouth bass in the garbage because it ran out of batteries
DOCTOR: Your blood sugar is too high.
ME: That’s ridiculous!
*a hummingbird shivs me and starts sucking my nectar*
Sure, I miss grandma. But she’s up there protecting us.
*looks up to the sky where my grandma is in a jet fighting aliens*
What was the point in making your car louder, bro?
Do you really want women to turn their heads and notice you drive a 1999 Honda Civic?
Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.
horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts
I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.
[15mins into yard work]
my body: yeah… no.
[Jedi Academy]
Why do you want to be Jedi?[Imagines using ‘the force’ to steal everyone’s cats and building a cat army]
To keep the peace
11,780 cans of beans on the wall…
Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.
You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
[Heaven]
God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth
Stan Lee: Nuff said!
God: It’s just part of the job
Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]
Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind
I’m mostly excited to be divorced so I don’t have to eat this weird tomato and shrimp Jello dish at my in-law’s at Christmas.
You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.
My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.
oh cool this article looks like a neat re-“JOIN OUR NEWSLETTER TO NEVER MISS OUT ON THE BEST NEWS EVER BUT FIRST DISABLE YOUR ADBLOCKER ALSO CAN WE HAVE YOUR PHONE NU-“
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, his eyes were closer together than that, like a concussed mouse. He had a Spanish skeleton.
This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder