Today i started stalking guys. Not for any gay reason but it’s so much easier to do. Women always complain, guys don’t suspect a thing.
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Next time someone falls asleep next to me on a plane they are going to wake up to me holding their hand and lovingly gazing into their eyes asking “What are we???”
Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
How the tables have turned Kate.
Wine improves with age, I improve with wine.
i hate when google maps keeps rerouting me to the faster route that goes thru traffic. i know my route is longer google i made this choice for my mental health
My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day
Brain: Too much to think about to sleep.
Me: But I have work tomorrow.
Brain: I don’t care-
*alarm goes off*
-okay you can sleep.
ME: you really put the cute in executione-
WARDEN: alright hit the switch
Stop saying “11/11/11” only happens once in a lifetime. EVERY date only happens once in a lifetime. That’s how time works.
When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow
16: If you could pick your own pronouns, what would they be?
Me: Well, I can and I choose cheesecake.
16: Cheesecake isn’t a pronoun.
Me: Yes, but everyone loves cheesecake.
16: Exactly, pick something else.
Is the female equivalent of a douchebag a douchebaguette?
Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins
(shaved my back and shoulders)
It only takes a few hours on a road trip for me to regret bringing more humans with me.
Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.
Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.
Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁
Me: *needles jabbing me thousands of times for a tattoo* So rad
Also Me: *one needle, one jab at the dentist* Our Father, who art in heaven
Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet
The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.
Would you rather have a normal childhood or a sense of humor?
*deletes fb account*
*leaves social media*
*goes to Himalayas*
*pigeon comes with a note*
*opens note*
*candy crush request*
*dies*
I hate people who take drugs.
Especially Border Patrol
The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.
Death. Resurrection. Saviour. I believe in Robocop.
My wife banned iPads from my kids so my sweet angels stood in the hallway where they thought I couldn’t hear and whispered “Let’s ask dad because he always let us and then we can blame him when mommy asks”.
My daughter refuses to play with her Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.
A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.
there are three types of writers;
1) those who plot their books
2) those who discover their plot along the way
3) those who know what will happen but their book is a bit feral still, needs a bath, has bitten and will bite again
The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma