Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
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Last night my wife asked me to grab her keys out of her purse, but instead I found 3 Tupperware lids, 2 socks & a third kid we didn’t know we had
My period was late this month and my first thought after realizing it was, “I’m too young to be pregnant”.
Let the reader understand; I’m weeks away from 29 and already have two children.
*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*
Me: Sorry, I can’t tonight. I already made plans.
Him: That’s too bad. There’s going to be open bar and–
Me: What time should I be there?
No, YOU heard a sad song on your headphones and cried while on the treadmill at your neighborhood gym.
*Driving by multiple car pile up with police/ambulance on the scene*
Me: Not interested.
*driving by hot chick*
Me: Maybe just a quick glance.
*driving by any home with an open garage*
Me: Oh, damn. Look at all those power tools. Plus that freezer. I gotta drive by again.
Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.
my physical therapist told me I should be using a foam roller “or a wine bottle, since I know you have one of those at home”
[at craft beer festival]
Me: Miller Lite, please
*ukulele girl stops playing*
Bartender: *blinks repetitively*
Baby: *throws unsweetened hemp milk bottle at me*
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
Server: Would you like another glass of wine?
Me: I’m sorry, I don’t have time
Server: For the wine?
Me: No, for silly questions
Red red wine… goes to my head yea yea. Makes forget oh yea. That i been textin you.
~If UB40 had wrote Red Wine in todays society. 🤷♀️😂
[dinner party, setting out the main]
Friend: Wow! Is this edible gold? You’re really stepping up your game!
Me, thinking about my kid’s art taped to the kitchen cupboard shedding glitter like a damn Head & Shoulders commercial: Isn’t it fancy?!
HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes
MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed
Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.
Me: Red is the color of love tho.
My parents moved a lot when I was younger.
My sister and I always managed to track them down though.
Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet
STAND-UP COMEDIAN: you know how after sex-
ME: [stands up all mad] this isn’t relatable at all
My youngest once got ahold of the scissors and gave herself a haircut. It wasn’t bad. So now every 6 weeks we casually leave them out.
Dear people who combine Christmas and birthday gifts,
WE HATE YOU!
Sincerely,
Everyone born in December.
WIFE: my battery died, do you have something that can power my cell?
ME: [sips from World’s Greatest Science Teacher mug] ᵗʰᵉ ᵐᶦᵗᵒᶜʰᵒⁿᵈʳᶦᵃ
*Christmas with The Schrödingers
Dr. Erwin Schrödinger: [shaking a wrapped box, excited] Is it a new cat?
*His family smiles nervously at each other
Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on
Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.
I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.
My kid is playing doctor and so far he’s thrown a stuffed animal at my knee, poked my arm with a stick, and asked if I like to climb trees. But I get to lie down, so best game ever
If the couch is barking, you’re sitting on the dog.
“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!