Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
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Why do Nashville’s tourists feel the need to cosplay farmers and cowboys when they visit our city? I don’t dress up like a bagel or the Statue of Liberty when I visit New York City. I just wear my normal clothes.
coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them
“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”
– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip
the hotdog are finally returning to the pastures. the earth is healing. we are the virus
I put JIF Peanut butter in the mousetraps and although I didn’t catch any mice I did manage to snag 3 choosy mothers.
the saddest jazz hands ever
Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
Not recommended for beginners.
My kid, describing the size of the raindrop that “hurt” his face
Because of social distancing if someone cuts you off and gives you the finger you can’t get out and fight them which is why I now carry a jousting lance in the Jeep.
I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.
my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow
me: yes
my mom today: do u work today
me: yes i already told u
my mom when i’m at work: where are u
Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.
where the womens at?
My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
Nobody:
Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME
(in dog boss’ office)
“Smith, you’re fired.”
Fine. I guess I’ll just WALK out…
(boss’ tail starts wagging)
“Wait Smith get back here”
Guy at Q&A when there’s only 2 minutes for questions: hi! First of all I just wanted to say thank you so much for sharing this amazing work of art with all of us, I can easily say we’re all honored to be able to see this film in such a great venue. Let’s give it up for the staff…
WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
ME: Okay
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He’s getting married, Karen
Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
“haha! silly rabbit! trix are for-” *rabbit puts a gun to the kids head* who are they for billy. tell me again who they’re for
15 wants his new GF over for dinner Sunday. I’m going to make spaghetti & watch them try to eat it gracefully. Free entertainment!
[ first day working at a pet store ]
customer: can i see that fish bowl?
me: sure let me get his shoes
A rusted van sits under a bridge.
Rats gnaw on moldy Scooby Snacks.
Shaggy takes a hit off the pipe.“WHY COULDN’T YOU LOVE ME VELMA?”
My phone has been on silent since 2015 but will still check to see if it’s my phone if I hear a phone ring in public
I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’
Rage against the machine? I bet it was a printer.
Me: *giving blood*
Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?