@SortaBad: Today I'm approaching teens dressed like I'm from the future, locking eyes, and saying "Happy Presidents Day, sir" with a wink
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@captainkalvis: [engagement party] brother: show us the ring! me: we dont have time to watch a classic horror movie Dave you dumb shit i'm gettin married
@hammbone84: [Tornado siren blaring] Wife: Let's go to the basement. Me: There will be no line at Pizza Hut buffet. Wife: Me: I'll bring you a salad.