Today I’m approaching teens dressed like I’m from the future, locking eyes, and saying “Happy Presidents Day, sir” with a wink
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11yo: Dad, were doing a pretend show and you need to interview us
Me: Ok…
8yo: But none of the questions can be “What is your name?” “What is your quest?” or “What is your favorite color?”
Me:
8yo:
11yo:
Me: interviewees don’t get to pick the questions…
I beat the time estimate on Google maps by going a different way and now I need to figure out how to add this to my resume
Everyone’s talking about how Shia LaBeouf plagiarized Daniel Clowes, but nobody said anything when Kristen Stewart plagiarized paint drying.
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
If McDonald’s and Burger King get into a turf war, is that a ground beef?
Pooh on Cold Callers:
These are very kind people who call you to ask if you’ve been injured at work. They are so thoughtful they ring several times a day just to make sure you’re all right. I keep telling them I don’t know what work is but they still keep calling me anyway…
I walked into a pub with my wife..
The Bartender asked: Would you like a drink for your wife?
I said That sounds like a fair swap
I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.
Now I have a swimming pool.
The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.
I’ve been watching a lot of tiktok lately and y’all need to stop marrying people who look just like you do but with a wig on.
Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.
Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.
Me: time to sleep
Brain: You have zero skills that would be useful in an apocalypse so when they start to ration food supplies, people will eat you
95% of dentists recommend teeth.
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*
if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.
I used to accidentally repeat stories to my friends a lot but now I just say “I think I’ve already told you this” and say it again anyway
My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.
Challenge accepted!
Have you ever had your kid get out of bed to knock on your door so many times that you found yourself shouting “WE’RE CLOSED! PLEASE COME BACK DURING REGULAR BUSINESS HOURS!”???
Sometimes, when I’m doing dishes, I’ll just start flinging them towards the cabinets and get mad when it doesn’t work out like it does in cartoons.
#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…
My husband just left town for a work trip. I didn’t want him to miss out on anything so I made him a mixtape of the kids whining.
This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.
A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.
I answered that people who sell fruits & veg’s are grocer.
If the US admits that Trump’s presidential campaign is a hoax then Australia will come clean about the platypus.
Mom asked about a stock she’s owned for 20yrs called Amazon & I’ve mostly been telling her I love her & reminding her my brother never calls
universe: you deserve a break
me: wow thanks
universe: *winks*
me: *tumbles down the stairs*
teacher: your son said you threatened to beat him?
me: at checkers!
teacher: and forced him to sleep outside?
me: we went camping!
teacher: and made up his peanut allergy so he couldn’t share your snickers?
me: yeah, that one I did
Everyone is awful in their own special way.