*puts on sexy underwear and high heels*
*grabs whip*
*flicks whip*
*searches for scissors to extricate whip from hair*
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I don’t care how hardcore you are. If you don’t cry when Dumbo visits his mommy in elephant jail, you have no soul.
Someone once told me that I might have ADD, so I decided to look into it. After 5 minutes of research I found out that all the pandas in the world are on loan from China.
The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise
My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH:
Here we see the weakest of the herd in its natural habitat.
[camera pans to me laying in bed eating cake]
My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.
At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.
I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.
The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg
Me: But what will I eat?
Nutritionist: *provides me with a list of healthy foods*
Me:
Nutritionist:
Me: But what will I eat?
At my funeral I won’t need a coffin. I will be cremated from the neck down and my head will be on a stick. If you want to say anything about me you have to hold my head stick
Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.
It’s a myth that comedians stop being relevant after they turn 40. I managed it in my mid twenties.
The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.
whenever i see a baby, i take its candy. i need the win more than the baby does.
If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.
[chameleon conference]
Boss: Is… everyone here?
*crickets*
Boss: I know Keith is. He brought the yummy crickets. Thx
Keith: You’re welcome
It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”
My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.
What do we want?
“A CURE FOR PASSIVE AGGRESSION”When do we want it?
“Whatever, you decide. You’re the smart one.”
[after solid first date]
Ok play it cool, don’t wanna seem too eager..*texts her 47 years later*
“Had a great time the other night :)”
date: I like to tell dad jokes
me: does he laugh?
date: what
“One for me, and one for the person I love most,” I say, grabbing myself two beers from the fridge.
[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz
[Noah from the Bible is doing laundry and his washer just starts spewing water]
DEBORAH GET THE BOAT
Neighbour mowed his lawn at 6am… Logic dictates that I should get drunk in the backyard tonight and try to learn to play the didgeridoo.
Me: Donuts can cure a brain tumor.
Friend: But you don’t have a brain tumor…
Me: [ taking a bite of a donut ]
…EXACTLY.
[me, stacking babies on top of each other]
Him: Wha…What are you doin there?
Me: Oh, you know, just building up the infant structure.
I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia
I think my house is possessed. My kid did everything I asked him to this morning. Without complaining.