@mattZillaaaa: Today is a new day. Be thankful. Do something nice for yourself. Call someone you haven't spoken to in a while. Run with a pair of scissors
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@DanMentos: [job interview] "Why do you want to leave your current job?" My boss is a total idiot "It says here you're self-employed?" Yes that's right
@KatMcSnatch: My ex sent me a text saying "please delete my number..." I sent one back saying "who's this?"
@crunchenhancer: Women are like campfires. Beautiful, hot, smell great, warm your heart. And, both don't like it if you pee on them. Mostly.