Today is a new day. Be thankful. Do something nice for yourself. Call someone you haven’t spoken to in a while. Run with a pair of scissors
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Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.
{emceeing banquet}
Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*
Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands
When people ask me why I’m wheelchair bound, it sounds like a prison sentence. I want to say “I forgot to return a library book.”
NRA member: I’ve got guns. I’m in charge.
Me: That’s nice. I’ve got bubonic plague – “cough, cough” – now you do, too.
I win.
Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.
bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive
bank robber: *angry boomer noises*
Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development
If Kim Kardashian & Snooki were drowning & I could only save one, I’d have a hard time deciding whether to make a sandwich or take a nap.
I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
“To label you “divine” would be to capture but a fraction of your resplendence.
… and could you pleeeeease grab an Oreo while you’re up?”
Web MD should go ahead and sell caskets.
my fav thing at work is asking “can i have your name?” to customers. they dont understand, thats mine now. i am damian now. not you. you lost that. you gave it to me.
Arguing with strangers on the internet is like yelling at a parking meter. I mean, I still do it sometimes, but nobody wins.
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago
The future is now.
Me: I’ve completed a psychological profile on myself.
Brain: What have we learned?
Me: I need to stop talking to myself or wear a Bluetooth device on my walks.
Brain: Will this help to keep people from staring at you?
Me: Maybe wear clothes too.
Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.
Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)
Just told my two kids that I love them both equally and the one with his shoes on the wrong feet totally bought it.
Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.
Me: I am above the law.
My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.
At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.
Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can’t hear the kids.
Wife: You should shake it out.
Me: Why would I want to do that?
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End
I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..
The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile
I wanted to get this and my friend said “what, like sarcastically?” and wow burn
The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.
As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.