Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pokémon.
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Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.
if you wanna be my lover you gotta get with my chins
Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?
Movie where someone thinks they’re a ghost and the plot twist is they were alive the whole time
Watching a show about women who choose to give birth outside. Like, let’s take the most painful experience of my life and add bugs and shit.
I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.
[drive-thru at 2am]
Whaazzuupp!? Lemme gets 12 tacos, 6 burritos, and a Diet Coke. Booyah!
Neighbor’s mailbox: …
The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking
Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period
The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute
Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are
carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full.
According to most health insurance companies, teeth are luxury bones that I must pay more to continue enjoying
7 thoughts u have when buzfeed steals ur content
-WTF
-OMG
-Huh
-FAIL
-LOL
-NOPE
-why is a multimilion dollar website riping off my twiter
If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉
If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.
My daughter thought putting glue on her hands would help her walk up the walls, we’re both a little disappointed that it didn’t work.
One drink, I feel glamorous
Two, I get amorous
Three, a bit stammerous
Anymore than four, I’m on the floor,
all drooly and hammerous
Part of fatherhood is becoming an expert in some obscure topic and teaching it to your children who stopped listening 30 minutes ago.
It is the year 2047. After making a movie based on every single one of its theme park rides, Disney is forced to make a movie about the line for the Disney World bathroom.
moms will remember every detail of your high school friend but never their name. “Who was your friend from high school who worked at the sub shop on Thursdays and she had brown hair with caramel highlights and she tripped during prom photos and she had two tiny moles on her neck”
Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!
Me: Any news?
Doctor: I’m just waiting for your x-ray.
Me: But I’ve never dated anyone called Ray.
Doctor: And we might do a brain scan.
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on
6: Mommy where are you putting your cameltoe this year?
Me:
6: I like it
Me: It’s mistletoe son
Professor: There’s no such thing as stupid questions
Me: *clears throat
“The new iPhone 6 is bigger!”
Meh.
“It has more sensors!”
Pfft.
“You can block group texts.”
I WOULD LIKE ONE THOUSAND OF YOUR IPHONE
Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.