@OhNoSheTwitnt: Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pokémon.
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@FeralCrone: An alien makes contact. I take it home, give it a sandwich. Then ice cream. And then, to show we're an advanced race, an ice cream sandwich.
@NicestHippo: *walks into son's room to find a recording of him snoring* Dear God *dials 911* Help, a wizard turned my son into a 90's cassette player
@ChipKellysBalls: Jehovah's Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies ...
@Poutymcgee: *watches you carefully arrange the piles of paperwork on your desk *waits for you to finish *sets fan to "oscillate"