@dsmitty62: Today is "bring your dog to work day". I thought it was "bring your dawg to work day". So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg
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@LoveNLunchmeat: No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I'd eat a wizard.
@cool_as_heck: Me: smells like upyou'refreetogo in here. Cop: what's upyou'refreetogo? Me: *finger guns* catch ya later Cop: aww damn lol got me again
@cjwerleman: I think the only thing Fox News hasn't yet accused Michael Brown of is stealing Darren Wilson's bullets. #ferguson
@VerbsRProudest: Never answer knocking at your door. It's always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.