Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg
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Review of “grandma”: slow, slow-witted, terrified of technology, can’t bench for shit, no karate, basically racist ★☆☆☆☆
*Meets new person, forgets their name two seconds after they say it. Spends the next ten minutes hoping others in the conversation will say their name so I don’t have to ask.
Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.
If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents. #Christmas
Pringle’s: Once you pop, the fun don’t stop!
Me: *covered in Pringle’s shards and grease, surrounded by empty tubes* It’s true I’m having the time of my life
safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle
me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor
Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.
Heyyyyyyyyyyyo lol 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😏🥴🤦♂️🤷♂️
Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.
me: get out of your own head live in the now
also me: tbh boneless chicken wings have the same flying potential as regular chicken wings
Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.
When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.
when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog
Last minute gift idea:
Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted
Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life
Really not sure what’s all the fuss about the Queen’s #Nazi salute, everyone knows ‘Scissors Beat Paper’
Yes, the 5:00 whistle! I’m so excited I’m going to yell a catchphrase of some sort and slide right down the tail of an unidentified dinosaur on my way to clock out!
I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.
I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.
I eat them now.
marie kondo: does this object bring you joy?
me, looking longingly at a piece of scrap metal in the basement that i could possibly use for something someday: hell yeah it does
*Judge raises hammer* “I SENTENCE YOU TO LIFE” -*defendant chuckles* “I’m already alive you MORON!”
Friend: “so how did you two meet?”
No Woman Ever: “he cat-called me in the street and we have been together ever since”
Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….
Got it?
Then there’s dating me.
man I hope machines don’t become sentient robots in my lifetime because my voicemail lady would straight up kick the shit outta me
I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.