“Today is chest and leg day!”
-me, ordering at KFC
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I have 2 friends that are trying to become models, and I’m just over here with 75 chicken mcnuggets in my cheeks like a squirrel.
[speed dating session]
Me: I have a good job with benefits. I love movies and hiking. And I’m a cat person.
Her: I love that! *writes her number on a napkin and slides it across to me*
Me: *slowly pushes the napkin off the table*
Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.
If you would have told me when I started this account that my dumb parenting jokes would eventually lead to a dream job writing for a Netflix series, I would’ve said that was crazy. Fast forward to today, and I can confirm that it’s crazy. Nothing remotely like that has happened.
Studies show that if you begin a sentence with “studies show,” the internet will believe you.
A moment of silence for the paycheck that was in my account for five minutes.
Dad: Your grandpa used to cut the grass before he died, but now he’s-
Son: Dad please don’t…
Dad: Lawn gone.
Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?
Me- Wished I was an adult
*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????
Hide and seek, except it’s my husband searching for where he last put his pants.
nurse: “if youre going to give grapes to a baby make sure you cut them in half”
me: [visibly confused]
wife: “the grapes keith not the baby”
A 12-year-old just yelled out the passenger window of his mom’s SUV that I don’t look very attractive (I’m wearing a mask).
I can’t begin to express how relieved I am that preteen boys want nothing to do with me, so I will never be removing this mask.
I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.
A man just shouted at me until I answered his questionnaire on christianity. He scared the b) Jesus out of me.
*couple’s marriage begins to fall apart*
*marriage counselor blows on them like an N64 cartridge*Okay how about now
Smashing piñatas blindfolded but it’s just me being outside during the flying insect seasons.
My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.
I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.
Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.
I respect that.
Marie Kondo Vs. Hoarders
“Do these 370 cats bring you joy?”
“Yes. Get out!”
I have never related to a cat more
[In the White House war room]
Me: You know Militia would be a great name for a girl.
25 Relationship Red Flags You Shouldn’t Ignore:
1. Inexplicably, his house is full of flags.
2. This is serious, why so many?
3. You need to get that first one sorted
out before we move on.
Dragon fire can’t melt stone pillars. King’s Landing was an inside job.
me: i’m here for stabbing lessons
clerk: sir this is a fencing clu—
me: yeah whatever hand me a knife
clerk: …
me: dress me like a beekeeper
[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
Received dm of the day
No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.
With me, it’s not PRIDE that comes before a fall. It’s half a bottle of vodka and a coffee table that I forgot existed.
I’m not a helicopter mom.
I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.