They’re the worst 😩
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99 bottles of beer on the wall?
Challenge accepted
Men’s underwear watching them buy more t shirts
Trip to the grocery store ended with 9 pledging to run away because we bought watermelon cubes, not slices like she wanted, in case there’s any Hallmark family movie writers out there looking for a new story line.
me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks
When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button
Gorilla vs. cold water 😂
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.
Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad
Me: Wow, you’re glowing.
Her: Aaaaww, thank you!
Me: No, like radioactive…
Her: . . .
Me: Tone down the filters?
Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
I don’t want to read my texts. My mom sent me 5 fast, long texts in a row just now & I glanced & the last text is just the dictionary definition of the word “hullabaloo.”
Let’s all just take a moment to appreciate the dedicated men and women of this great nation who sacrifice their evenings to deliver pizzas.
Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?
I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …
Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?
Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.
When my kids misbehave we watch ‘Honey, I Shrunk the Kids’ and then I make them stand in a giant Petri dish while I set up the machine.
I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”
maybe leonardo dicaprio hated 9/11 so much that he can’t even date women who remember it. did that even occur to you
FURNITURE MAKER WHO SECRETLY HATES HIS WIFE: Honey I created a new type of cabinet. I’m gonna name it after you
SUSAN: Aw baby that’s sweet
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: ohhhhh, hampire
I’m proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.
Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’
I could see how 2 deaf guys arguing would appear to be gang related.
#SomethingYouDontWantToHear
Oops. The surgery went well but…..
Me: Did you do your laundry like I asked?
Child: No, there’s a huge spider near the washing machine.
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: Can you-
Me [handing her $10]: Here’s some money for the laundromat.
I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.
Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.
[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.
Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.
Patiently waiting for the spooky season like: