@MomoVonTrite: Today is my mom's birthday or as she calls it, Cinco de Seis, because someone taught her just enough Spanish to be annoying.
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@TheToxicWaster: My wife said she wants a divorce for valentines day. I wasn't planning to spend that much..
@SveldtSmelt: I like to eat a handful of paperclips right before I walk through a metal detector cuz I got all day, pal.
@CrazyClarine: After Paris my Airbnb host tried to say I stained her sheets & headboard w/ hair dye, but the gag is I don't wear hair to bed.
@KeetPotato: guy at seaworld: "it's a cross between an eel and a shark, we're asking everyone to pick a name for him" wife: "steve" me: "sharkeel o'neal"