@MomoVonTrite: Today is my mom's birthday or as she calls it, Cinco de Seis, because someone taught her just enough Spanish to be annoying.
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@NicestHippo: [doing standup] So I live in Kansas— [hysterical laughter] That…that wasn't the joke
@LetMeStart: 8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy. Me: ...so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.
@shutupmikeginn: There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango
@LauraBenanti: I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I'm hiding in the bathroom.