accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would
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Me: My passion for the sea is rather inconsistent, I’m afraid. It comes in waves
Navy recruiter: Get out
everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole
It shakes her nerves and it rattles her brain,
Too much Swiss cheese drives my nan insane,
She flipped a stall,
At the village hall,
Goodness gracious, fête brawls of Gruyere!
Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.
It’s all fun and games until the music playing over the dept store intercom gets to the lift part in Dirty Dancing, but the mannequin with no arms that you’ve been dancing with doesn’t catch you.
Really bruh?
Doc: The good news is this is a surprise birthday party!
Patient: But my birthday’s not till next month
Doc:Which brings me to the bad news
Once a married woman “gave me a piece of her mind,”bc her (also married) TC retweeted me. I didn’t RT him, nor did I know the dorks were ‘TCs,’ but ok. Then he sent me DMs to say she was crazy.I didn’t respond so he told me I was a snob.
Anyway, I hate it here. I’m never leaving
my neighbor is SO SWEET she somehow decided all of us neighbors on both sides love wind chimes SO MUCH she bought wind chimes for her backyard
Kids. Because who else is willing to stampede through the house sounding like an overweight elephant while also only weighing 30 pounds?
H: Well, the remote was definitely broken, so I went and bought a new one.
Me:
H: Oh, and it came with this 75″ television.
emergency phone
if you have a cat tell them i said pspspsps
Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?
Whoever’s job it is to make sure
I eat before I drink is fired.
the problem is that the world is filled with an unimaginable amount of pain and suffering but also an unimaginable amount of delight and beauty and we must bear this in our souls at all times but also still find time to like do laundry and go to the grocery store
I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.
Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁
[stranded on a desert island]
*finds a message in a bottle*
hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?
Preowned Jaguar for sale. Beloved family member, excellent shape. Wife forced me to put her up for sale after she (the jaguar) ate the kids.
The one nice thing about your friends’ divorces is no one invites you to them.
People who live in Lego houses should not walk around without shoes.
The real walk of shame is having to waddle to the hall closet to get toilet paper because you didn’t check before engaging the launch code.
They say a woman deserves a man that looks at her every day like it’s the first time he’s seen her. It’s wrong to promote Alzheimer’s.
Me, before kids: I’m going to be one of those moms that always looks put together
Me, today: Pulled a dryer sheet out of my sweatshirt sleeve that I’ve worn all day
“Mom…dad…the truth is…I just don’t like steampunk.”
*mother weeps into a handkerchief on a telescoping brass gimble-arm*
*father shouts, ‘You’re no son of mine!’ and flies away in his gear-driven veloci-thopter*
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again
Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now
Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation