@TheTweetOfGod: Today is National Girlfriend's Day. But it will never be National Marriage Day. The calendar's just not ready for that kind of commitment.
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@Humor_Fetish: Friend: "Did you bring condoms?" Me: "No need. If I'm drunk enough to talk to a girl, I'm way too drunk to get it up."
@Dawn_M_: Sorry I looked completely surprised that your baby didn't burst into flames when I chanted The Power Of Christ Compels You.
@GuyEndoreKaiser: People are obsessed with this storm but in ten years no one will talk about it anymore, which is why they named it after the movie Juno.