@TheTweetOfGod: Today is National Girlfriend's Day. But it will never be National Marriage Day. The calendar's just not ready for that kind of commitment.
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@BuiltToTopple: "Baby I was wrapping presents for a charity" is both the best and the very very very worst excuse for coming home late covered in glitter.
@unbub_: a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be "water we gonna do??" we will need the laughs
@RoosterMustache: *pulls away from kissing my girlfriend's twin* TWIN: she'll never find out about us ME: thanks dude you're a trustworthy guy
@Try2StopME: *washing car* Neighbor: "You washing your car?" Me: "No. I'm watering it to see if it grows into a bus."