I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.
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My uncle got stuck in a cloud while skydiving and lived for 72 days by drinking rain and eating birds that flew too close
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “redacted”
me: ████████
judge: [looking around nervously] that’s correct
Mayonnaise is cum. When you put it on a sandwich, you’re spreading cum on your bread. When you ask for it on a burger, you ordered cum.
I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
Friend: Have you ever had an epiphany?
Me: Is it a little chocolate candy?
Friend: No.
Me: Then, no.
You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac
[Staring deep into David Schwimmer’s eyes]
“I’m afraid I only like you as a Friend”
Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that
MTV stopped having their “Unplugged” specials because the shitty artists we have now can’t play any instruments.
Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.
Me: Look pal, I’m not some princess that needs to be rescued, ok?
Bagger: Ma’am, we help everyone with their groceries.
Me: Fine! One date.
I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
My husband and I are giving our daughter driving lessons. He teaches her how to drive, and I teach how to swear at all the other drivers.
What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist
“So how did you two meet?”
“Unfortunately.”
Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.
Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?
Wow, you’ve got a lot of hickeys Kris.
Me: Busy weekend *winks
*remembers wrestling that octopus at the aquarium for giving me side eye.
I tried some new stretches, and now I’ve been stuck on the floor for 23 minutes.
Only the dog is happy about this.
Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree
To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.
mcdonalds: may I take your order
cronus: I’ll have the kids meal
Therapist: Ok so what brings you both here?
Me: Well apparently I make her life a “living hell”
My guardian angel: *sobbing uncontrollably*
If you watch The Wizard Of Oz backwards it’s about a girl who escapes a lying oppressor and her subsequent journey to colour blindness.
cat vs inanimate object
The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.
You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now