Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.
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I’m hosting a mommy group next week and am thinking of buying a bunch of “how to parent a genius” type books to leave around the house.
Tonight we discovered 9 memorized my phone code and 6 memorized my husband’s code.
They’re working together, we’re in trouble.
Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now
Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.
boss: your coworker is concerned you don’t like them
me: oh, I don’t.
boss:
me: anything else?
I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.
What I learned: the neighbors’ dog is not the neighbors’ dog
Why it’s important: the number of times I’ve put the dog back in their yard
[Slaps string cheese out stranger’s hand]
Me: We are NOT animals. We do not bite the cheese without peeling.
5 year old: *cries*
It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5
this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore
I like my women to ideally be size 14, but certainly no smaller than size 12.
What can I say, I really loves them big feet.
At my local supermarket, a clerk told me that their fresh shipment of toilet paper sold out in 15 minutes. People preparing for the shitpocalypse.
I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.
COME ON KRUSE #fencing
Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.
please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,
I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.
Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.
JERY: Maybe you can just go back
TERESA MAY: go back ?
JERY: Ya. pretend brexit never happened.
MAY: you mean just walk into the EU meeting on Monday morning like it never hapened?
JERY: Sure. People dont take england seriously
*showing my kids bobsledding clips*
My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.
day 9 in quarantine: On my way to working from home
I have a huge gash in my forehead. I’m going to assume I got up in the middle of the night, fought some crime, and went back to bed.
Ever notice how crickets can be ventriloquists? You think you’ve figured out where they are in the house only to hear that they’re somewhere behind you.
My cat hissing at an empty chair is why I sleep in the attic.
I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th
When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?
My kid begged me not to be “cringe” around her friends when they come over, and I don’t have the heart to tell her that I don’t even know how to not be “cringe” around MY friends.
Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel
In 6th grade I had an ugly pimple on my nose that left a scar and I told my friend I got bitten by a spider…dude called me Batman because he didn’t know shit about comics