Today is Star Wars Day, which means we should all reflect on a simpler time in our lives, when Harrison Ford didn’t have an earring.
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I was talking to someone and combined “all good” and “no worries” by saying “all worries”. Which was a lot more accurate.
Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹
I don’t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGIFriday’s once a month and glue more shit to the wall no one notices try it
my kid wanted me to play but i was tired so i told her to make a friend so she drew a face on a balloon and named him green greevy and now i have to get him snacks too and thats how i got played by a four year old
The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted
My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes
Until I got drunk, and put them on
My kid just asked my mom if she’d known anyone from the bible personally so I think it’s safe to say she can kiss that trust fund goodbye
If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.
♫ Hey there Delilah, can we handle this discreetly
My stomach reacted badly
after eating old zucchini ♪
and I just pooooed ♫
WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today
ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school
me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
I brought sexy back and man was that Kohl’s cashier confused.
When they announce
“all youths stay behind after church. Your Help is needed around the church premises”Me:
My parents are pretty middle aged.
“So? That’s pretty norm-”
*two knights bust in*
“CHILD, DOST THOU REQUEST REFRESHMENTS FROM THE TAVERN?”
She was attractive, like poultry on a commemorative stamp.
Doctor, reading chart: “Says here you’re improving!”
Doctor: “…Oops.”
*slowly turns chart rightside up*
*On death bed*
Me: I’ve killed…so many..* whole family gasps while gazing intently*
Me: …so many…DM Rooms
Kanye forcing Owen Wilson to lie in the back seat of his car & make comments on the road so he can pretend he’s driving Lightning McQueen.
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: i didn’t need it, there was a toilet
there should be a drug that makes you addicted to cleaning the apartment
I’m convinced the bulk of my Amazon recommendations derive from Alexa listening to me talking to myself in every room of my house. I don’t even care anymore. I mean, who are we kidding. Just send all the things, Amazon. You have my credit card and know where I live
TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?
*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*
Me: Yes.
My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”
Palm trees are beautiful but you wouldn’t want one on your team in a rap battle, they’re absolutely useless at throwing shade.
If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.
The guys who measure out the granite so it fits nicely in your kitchen were prob mad when they found out the term counterfeiters was taken
My friend never knew the difference between ‘infer’ and ‘imply’ which was never an issue until he opened a club called Disco Implyno
The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys and phone.”