Today is the day I go back to the gym.
Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
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Guarantees in life:
1) death
2) taxes
3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it
The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.
paddle faster i hear baby shark
[Gender reveal party]
Me: I don’t get it. Are they having a Smurf?
Wife: Shutup and eat your cake.
Ate a moldy blueberry.
Thought of you.
taking my contact lenses out and putting each in their own little soup for the night
I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.
If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own
Poured Tresemmé on a spider in the shower & scooted him down the drain, he reemerged w/ voluminous hair & screamed at me in a French accent
Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?
Alright white people, had to Google “totes” to find out what the hell it meant. I know one of you came up with it. Cut that shit out.
I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it
flight attendant looks at me then looks at the no smoking sign then looks back at me then looks at the brisket i have in my smoker
The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.
Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine
I learned a few things in Twitter Jail last night.
1. My wife’s name
2. How to make a shank from a phone charger
3. I need Twitter
[enters house after leaving the kids home with my husband]
12: No, you shut up!
14: NO! YOU SHUT UP!
Me: *locks eyes with my husband and backs out of house slowly*
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
If you watch “The Empire Strikes Back” backwards it’s about a kid so traumatized to learn his dad’s identity he starts hitting on his sister
[on phone with quit smoking coach]
coach: give me 3 triggers you have that make you want a cigarette so we can work on coping skills
me: wow, i’m lucky! i only have 1
coach: that’s great! what is it?
me: being awake
You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.
Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.
I told my kids their cash and coins are worthless now because they have the Queen and not King Charles on them.
They cried and cried and I’m up $83.
8, peering closely at me: what’s that?
Me: my necklace
8: How do you know?
I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.
If you call me Dear, I automatically grandpa zone you.