Today is the day I go back to the gym.
Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
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[After Big Jewel Heist]
“We did it! We got away! Everything went to plan”
ME(holding my grappling hook I didn’t get to use): Yea it was ok
Husband: Why are there no clean spoons in this house?
[flashback to me cooking dinner and using every spoon in the house]
Me: I have no idea.
Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot
Toddler: I won’t eat that lovingly prepared, absolutely delicious, gourmet meal because it’s yucky
Also Toddler: Eats 5 week old goldfish cracker from car seat and cries for more
Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is
So UBER is not a dating app?
*sigh*
I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.
If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.
Coward (adv.): in the direction of the cows
My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.
Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
ME: I have crab like reflexes
DAD:I think you mean cat like reflexes
ME: [sitting in pot of boiling water] what
When Squidward lost his job and had to stay with Spongebob and he tried to tell Spongebob the TV didn’t work n Spongebob said THAT’S TWO THINGS THAT DON’T WORK 😭😭😭😭
Doctor: “The CAT scan results are in and they have confirmed my suspicions.”
Me: “Okay, I’m ready.”
Doctor: “You’re not a cat.”
I hope I don’t ever have to provide an alibi because I’ll tell the truth but it will sound unbelievable, like: “At 4pm on Thursday? Oh that’s when I was posting a photo of an armadillo.”
Nobody invites me to spa day…
Just because I ate the cucumbers off everyone’s eyes and used their face cream as dip ONE time.
There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.
***UPDATE***
Do not tell your kids they were learning opportunities.
Me: *plucking hedge as my lord passes by*
Lord: oh manservant
Me: yes, my lord?
Lord: You trim this hedge with such care that when you’ve reached the end, the rest will again be quite overgrown. Thus, your toil ever continues?
Me: yes, my lord
Lord: *chuckling* delightful 🙂
Man: a pack of condoms please.
Cashier: would you like a paper bag?
Man: no thanks, she’s pretty good looking.
The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.
Wife says I shouldn’t look at my phone in public because I get distracted and lose track of her and the kids. Can’t wait to tell her how wrong she is, once I find them at this Farmer’s Market.
*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.
coming home late…
Me: Hey babe. What’s for dinner?
Her: Where the hell have you been?
Me: Didn’t we have that last night?
Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands
The news is so predictable nowadays
*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’
my landlord charged a pet fee for the ants in my kitchen. i need $48,000,000 by friday or im evicted. how did he count them they are so fast
My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—
every time he drives.
Not surprised to find out I’ve lost my job at the graffiti removal company. The writing’s been on the wall for a while now.
My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…
Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?